Had you been outside my home Sunday evening, you might have witnessed me outside, in a robe, demolishing a bag of smoke detectors in a fit of fury. If there is one thing I despise more than stickers on fruit, it is smoke detectors. I can post on this topic on a health and lifestyle blog with a clear conscience because they can directly impact two things we frequently muse on, stress and sleep.
Remember this scene from Dumb and Dumber? Nicholas Andre (the villain) was a little thin-skinned, no?
There is nothing more unbecoming than whining, whether from a human or an inanimate object. It makes folks want to avoid you at best, break you at worst. An over sensitive smoke detector drove me to my breaking point.
Yes, smoke detectors are alive, and I’ll prove it. Where there’s smoke, there is usually fire, but there wasn’t the slightest fume in my house. People are not the only living beings who can be over sensitive.
I took a long shower, using this soap, and emerged clean and relaxed. Relaxed, that is, until I heard the first chirp. My home was built only a few years ago, so I know my detectors aren’t old or worn out. Obviously, the steam from the shower had masqueraded as smoke and my friends were displaying overprotective behavior. I told you they were sensitive.
Y’all know Kaplifestyle is a judgment free zone. Folks should feel how they feel. I won’t judge, but I am free to walk away if someone is whining in my direction, so I did. I left the house until the beeping stopped. From wikihow.com:
Getting away from the situation helps to calm down and think things through. Even better if you can go for a walk around nature which will take your mind off the issue while you enjoy nature’s beauty. Taking a walk will help you burn off some of that negative energy instantly and can help you get away from the problem.
Thanks, wikihow. Stay tuned, I’ll be quoting Stop Whining for Dummies next.
Regardless, when I returned home, it was to blissful quiet. Just a few hours later, someone needed some attention, and the beeping began anew. I could have strolled away, but this is my house, and they were intentionally irritating me in my own space. I was annoyed, despite my best efforts to stay calm.
“Listen. You’re free to have your experience, but I want no part of it. Whatever’s ailing you, I didn’t cause it. If you continue the whining, I’ll be forced to take action.”
Yes, I was talking aloud to my smoke detectors. Judgment free, remember?
This dance went on and off for several days and nights of semi-interrupted sleep. I found myself uttering words I’d only ever heard on TV.
“Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.”
Like the child he is, my smoke detector hid. My ceilings are high. Really high, like you can’t get to them with a 6’ ladder type of high. I was being mocked, like a cat perched in a tree to a dog down below. Coward.
I nearly killed myself climbing and balancing, ultimately ripping the smoke detector from the ceiling and dropping it to the wood floor below. Finally, he shut up.
I achieved silence from him, but not from his kin.
Days later, all of his siblings were whining simultaneously. I began to go a little mad. Frustrated, I gave in and called a handyman with a tall ladder. He checked them all, fixed the one I had ripped out and gave the all clear sign.
A week later, more chirping. I wondered if my handyman was in on the cruelty. Luckily, he was willing to come back out on short notice. He replaced every single smoke detector in the house. He handed me the old ones in a plastic bag; I immediately tossed them in the garbage.
Now we come back to the scene from the opening paragraph. By 8:00 pm, they were all screaming. “How could you, you monster?!” I could hear the shouting from the length of a football field. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. I marched down my driveway, dug through piles of garbage, found my shrieking friends and committed murder. I was maniacal, but finally found some quiet.
This is how people respond to over the top complaining. Sensing some irony, huh? Will you destroy me?
Kap
Michelle says
Yes, I will destroy you. Leave a message after the BEEP
Gabe Kapler says
Smile.
Julie Dewing says
GK…thanks for the laugh…I recently murdered a carbon monoxide alarm that was out to get me 🙂 Jules
Gabe Kapler says
Much love, Jules.
Stephen says
You may have only needed to replace the battery.
Just make sure you replace them when children are sleeping at your house.
Gabe Kapler says
Batteries were all replaced and brand new, Stephen. Ever seen Poltergeist?
Mike L. says
Dude, do those things have batteries, or were they the wired in ones? We have the wired detectors in our house and I share your homicidal rage when these things start whining….AHHHHHHH! SERENITY NOW!
Gabe Kapler says
Wired, but they have batteries, too. Brother, they were possessed. I swear.
Ed H says
That scene is priceless. I think of often when faced with annoying situations.
Gabe Kapler says
Thanks, Ed.
Chester says
HILARIOUS !!
Gabe Kapler says
Like.
Rick Franzosa (@RealTimeRick) says
34 years ago returning from our honeymoon. My chain-smoking sister-in-law apartment sitting for us in a not-so safe neighborhood in Springfield, MA, accompanied by Duffy, my in-laws golden retriever.
Turned the key to open the door, but the door wouldn’t move (chair jammed under doorknob). With me struggling, my sister-in-law trying to move the chair and Duffy wagging and barking, we finally made it into the house.
First thing my sis-in-law says is “Sorry, I couldn’t stand it anymore”. There on the floor were bits of plastic and metal that were once our smoke detector, next to our kitchen broomstick (the murder weapon).
Your blog brought me back, Still laughing….
Rick
Gabe Kapler says
Great stuff, Rick. Chuckled over here.
Paul says
My building has the built-in smoke & CO combos. Only 2 studios & an office
downstairs. But they sound as sensitive as yours! Simply boiling water for
too long, and it sounds off (esp. my neighbor’s!). Sometimes even grease
in the oven can cause them to turn on.
Gabe Kapler says
Oversensitivity is not good for smoke detectors, Paul. Knew some folks would be able to be relate. Thanks.
Duane says
The situition that you explain is HILARIOUS!! Tears in my eyes imaging you smashing smoke detectors. Don’t get me wrong we all feel your pain however the thought is still funny as hell. By the way what happen to chanting it out???
Control the stress my brotha, control the stress.
🙂
Gabe Kapler says
Ha. Good reminder, Duane.
Robin says
THANK YOU! That happened to me once with steam from a shower and everyone thought I was nuts! (I am but that’s besides the point.) We have a smoke detector that works hanging from the ceiling, but if we clasp on flush on the ceiling it alarms. Looks real classy hanging there!
Gabe Kapler says
Your guests must be so impressed, Robin. Optimize for peace of mind. I totally get it.
Kelebek says
I laughed so hard-I think I snorted. Too funny!
I removed the one outside bathroom because I that same reason. After every shower, that stupid thing went off. I cursed at it repeatedly in Spanish but that didn’t work so it took a trip an has not been heard of since.
Thanks for the laugh love!
-Kelebek
Kelebek says
Sorry for the grammatical mistakes. Typing on my phone Kap.
Gabe Kapler says
Like.
Stan Mickus says
Kap, sometimes ours will go off when the barometric pressure is very low during high humidity days. Even ripping the batteries out won’t do it. It’s like they’re possessed. A few weeks ago one upstairs and one downstairs were going off simultaneously in the middle of the night. Cut the wires and slept like a baby!
Gabe Kapler says
I love that you cut the wires, Stan.
Lori says
Evil does exist…and you, my friend, have seen it! I have terminated with extreme prejudice my fair share of those possessed monsters! Thanks for the laugh!
Kyle G. says
Not quite sure if you intentionally made an “Apocalypse Now” quote or not, but if you did intentionally, kudos. One of my favorite movies.
Gabe Kapler says
Unintentional, Kyle. Would love to take credit. Can’t.
Kyle G. says
Stupid F%^&ing smoke detectors… Its like they are here to save our lives or something.
Comical post Kap, I hope you can reread this post later and get a laugh out of the situation once you’ve calmed down.
Duane says
Kyle I tell you between the fruit stickers and the smoke detectors it’ll be a while before are man calms down.
Gabe Kapler says
I’m calm now. But it’s 11:00pm in LA. See y’all tomorrow.
Gloria says
Okay, so now that you are calm, will you replace the smoke detectors? Nest makes awesome smoke/CO detectors that alert you on your mobile device. I’m guilty of overzealous cooking and making a few alarms go off in my day, but I still have smoke detectors just in case the cat decides to light candles one evening. Better prepared than on the news. 🙂