The best way you can respect another human being is to communicate honestly with them. In professional and personal relationships, communicating messages quickly and directly is a solid way to demonstrate respect for another’s time. More importantly, both you and the receiving party will be better off.
As a player, I clamored for honesty from my coaches. It did me little good for them to soften their approach with me. I could sense fear in them as they delivered cryptic messages about what they needed from me. In turn, I respected them less.
The same is true in my current broadcasting work. For that matter, it applies to all my relationships. Optimizing to not hurt feelings is both ineffective and inefficient. Think about how you feel when you have information that must be delivered to another. If the information is critical of another’s work or habits, it weighs you down, silently eating away at your precious energy. Now envision yourself having communicated a truth. The discussion itself may be uncomfortable, but the weight is lifted. We can take deeper breaths and have a calmer mind. We may even end up healthier. From becomingminimalist.com:
Honesty has been linked to less colds, less fatigue, less depression, and less anxiety.
It makes sense that our interactions can impact our health. The act of freeing oneself from a burden is relevant not only in life’s most important moments, but in the day to day grind as well. It’s a habitual practice.
A few months back, my relationship with my accountant was suffering. He and I had been working together for years, but now I was considering making a change. He’s a great guy, but that wasn’t at the heart of the matter. He wasn’t communicating to my satisfaction. Because I was thinking about it frequently, it was eating away at my intellectual bandwidth.
He issues end of month reports with his clients, and that is ample for many of them. It doesn’t work for me. I like to know when the tide changes in any direction before months end. I desire more information and a more frequent stream of it. I’m detail oriented.
“Steve,” I said. “This isn’t working for me. When a check comes in, I want to know about it. If there is a payment due, send me a note, please, rather than waiting until month’s end. If something needs attention, let’s work on it immediately. This stuff is non-negotiable.”
Having gotten it out, I felt relieved. Steve deserved to be privy to my thoughts so that he had a chance to make an adjustment. My communication positively impacted my health, and it was, quite simply, fair to him.
He has since stepped up in big way. If he didn’t, a swift change would be in order so as to not drag out the inevitable. By speaking directly with him, I made sure he wouldn’t be blindsided. He is able to provide me with better service because I spoke up about my needs.
This method may be even more important in personal relationships. Putting off difficult but unavoidable interactions doesn’t benefit anyone. My ex-wife, Lisa, and I used to discuss “silent expectations.” These never get met, because none of us are mind-readers, no matter how intuitive we are.
When the answer is yes, say “yes.” When the answer is no, say “no.” Be dependable. Follow through on your commitments. And don’t commit to anything that you don’t intend to complete.
Ignoring a problem doesn’t make it go away. Resentment sets in, and ill will festers over time. When dealing with loved ones, if something should be different, make it known, clearly and quickly.
Now, the method of delivery is important. Honesty doesn’t require being harsh or cold. Even when there is discipline involved, when it comes to personal relationships, leading with love works best.
Like all parents, there are times I need to practice this with my sons. If one of my boys isn’t cleaning up after himself, he needs to be reminded to take care of his business. I first ask myself, “How can I deliver this message strongly and lovingly?”. Then, when I have the answer, I approach.
“Deuce, I believe in your ability to make sure your dishes get in the dishwasher. We are all teammates and are accountable to each other. If your dishes are out and I have to take care of them, it takes me away from making your lunch and our mornings don’t flow well. I need you to handle your responsibility.”
My tone is warm but matter of fact. It conveys, “I care for you, AND I expect more from you.” It is precisely what I’d want if someone needed a higher level of performance from me.
The beautiful thing is this is a gift not only to our home’s cleanliness, but to him. Humans want to know when they are not meeting expectations. Otherwise, they have no opportunity to alter their behavior and improve.
Being open and direct with others immediately establishes trust. We all feel stronger when we are confident in our relationships, both personally and professionally. Honesty can be abrupt, so I always try to make sure I speak from a place of compassion, but being direct has tons of virtue. Everyone is healthier, physically and mentally, when communication is open and forthright.
Now that I’ve told you how to earn my respect, I know I can count on you to save the sugarcoating for someone else. I want the real shit. Go ahead, the comments section is below. Speak your truth. It’s good for your health.
Kap
Richie Ernst says
Always a good read my brother! Communication is key in any and all relationships. I have a 15 year old daughter, and man…lol there are days I want to kill her.
Gabe Kapler says
I feel you, Richie. I advise honesty, but maybe you shouldn’t tell her you want to kill her. Hahaha.
Susan Altman says
Remember that time when I said I didn’t care where our families went on vacation? I should have told you I really did care. (wink, wink, remember that? It was 300 years ago, but still….)
Gabe Kapler says
Like it was yesterday (wink), Susan.
Michelle Williams says
I grew up in a family where honesty was the only way we communicated, it was a condition my parents set out at the beginning. And I’ve taken this into the rest of my life. Now when someone in my circle (friends or family) needs honesty they tend to come to me.
I do have to say that outside that circle, being honest and direct has it’s own consequences, regardless of how sensitively you deliver the message.
Culturally, women who are direct and honest get labeled bossy or worse. (This of course is a generalization and not everyone feels that way, but I’ve run into this in different aspects of life) In contrast these traits in men are celebrated.
Also, I learned at a young age that not everyone truly wants honesty. A lot of times they want us to tell them what they want to hear.
Great post today!
Gabe Kapler says
Great stuff, Michelle.
Rich O says
I think the compassion piece you mention is really a big and easily neglected key to constructive honesty.
Dealing with people who treat honesty and speaking without a filter or just being hurtful as the same really builds an obstacle to honesty.
Gabe Kapler says
Good call, Rich.
billstraehl says
Great post Kap. By letting others know how their actions make you feel, it puts them in a much better place to hear you. Also helps you see more clearly how your own actions may affect others.
Gabe Kapler says
Thanks, Bill.
Joel Sproul says
Great post, as always. Honesty can be tough sometimes. You make a great point about delivery. Tone is important and so are the words. You can be honest with people, even when you need the other person to make changes/improvements, if you’re honesty is constructive and the tone is not negative.
Gabe Kapler says
Appreciate you, Joel.
-Rhys says
Great post Kap! Honesty is critical in optimizing efficiency, as well. Think about how much time is wasted dancing around subjects, instead of being direct? It’s painful at times, to see that we have to burn time getting to a point, by having to communicate with someone that may be overly sensitive to the critique or dialogue you would like to share. Typically, it’s only akin to solving problems where it is more difficult, but in most respects, it’s still a huge time-sink. Matters of the heart and loved ones; I agree, treat with care, caution, love, and compassion.
Here’s my direct communication to you: I think you are doing a great job, bring out salient subjects, and open yourself up to criticisms in a very transparent forum. Good work!
Gabe Kapler says
Really appreciate this, Rhys.
Gavin says
Huh. I think you just hurled a heater about 6 inches inside on us. Ok. I’ll dig back in. You have established your identity at this point and those who can’t relate aren’t checking in. So, your facts/opinions won’t generally incite the crowd. Speaking personally, judgement-free appeals to me.
But there is one pitch I’d like to send back up the middle: I have softly grounded out 1-3 on this in the past. I’d like to hear how you square your heavily meat-based diet against lifestyle principles which in almost every other way would at least question this practice. The “humane” requirement is a good. But how did you decide that is far enough for you? Has your view softened on this over time? People often think it’s an “all-or-none” issue. But “less” may be a viable alternative also.
I doubt I fit the “typical” profile of a vegetarian. And I struggle to be that. I rarely discuss it. But ultimately for me, damn, the family dog is family. And I never figured out where those lines get objectively drawn after that.
Hit “send” or not? Hell, you gotta’ swing to make impact.
Gabe Kapler says
Excellent topic for a post, Gavin. I’ll save my half-inning for later.
kbeyazdancer says
Excellent post! I wish more people thought this way.
Most people say they crave honesty but they get offended when you do. If something isn’t right, it needs to be fixed and that can only happen if the issue is addressed.
I gotta keep it short today love.
Your friend in Jersey
Kelebek
Gabe Kapler says
Thanks, Kelebek.
Paul says
It can be hard sometimes. But I know there are 2 kinds of people I dislike, and
they are liars & hypocrites. Don’t say one thing to my face & something else
behind my back. Or preach to me that something I do isn’t right- and then do it
yourself.
Gabe Kapler says
Thanks for sharing, Paul.
Michelle says
This blog sucks!
Kidding. Another good one and always timely. Thanks.
Gabe Kapler says
After a brief hiatus, she’s back.
~Al~ says
You’ve gotta be honest with your kids, your family, your spouse, and yourself…if nothing else. Y’all know better not to be. They know well enough when something is not right. They’ll have the advice you need to take in order to make the correct decisions.
Professionally, the damn world is filled with lying ass buck passers looking to rake you over the coals at any slip up you might have. It’s never anybody’s fault but your own, if you let them make you think that way, or course.
Stay sharp out there,
~Al~
Gabe Kapler says
Dig.
Ed H says
Honesty is healthy because the truth has no consequences, or if there are, the consequences are immediate. Any other approach leads to stress, which leads to anxiety…..
Gabe Kapler says
Right on, Ed.
Hollie Hamilton says
This honestly speaks to me. 🙂 I hate it when people think I can’t handle criticism. How am I going to improve if you’re not honest with me? My best friends are not yes men, they’re all open and honest with me.
Gabe Kapler says
Preach, Hollie.
Steve says
You keep killin’ it with your blog topics.
Just as we should not sugar coat our honesty with others….I believe it’s even more important to be completely honest with ourselves.
Am I doing absolutely everything in my power to reach a goal? Reaching out to enough people?
Am I capable of working harder to get what I want?
Just some questions to consider to improve our well being and reach our full potential.
Let’s not sell ourselves short!
#ThoughtsBecomeThings
#MassUp
Gabe Kapler says
Love the questions you’re asking yourself, Steve. Appreciate you leading.
darby wright says
We all like it when someone is honest with you. Whether you want to here it or not. Good post.G.k
Gabe Kapler says
Dig.
Brad says
Great stuff, glad I caught you on Rome a couple weeks back and heard about your site. This topic hits home because in management, I’ve learned the hard way that your employees respect you a hell of a lot more if you hit them with the truth rather than dance around a topic where they think coming out of a one on one meeting “maybe I’m doing something wrong, but it sounds like I’m doing fine?”