I muse on food, health and societal issues here. We touch on serious topics with a serious mindset. Sometimes, though, I just need to screw around. This post combines the two.

Music is an integral part of well-being for many; it certainly is for me. I gave you my top 10 workout songs, but it’s time to round out this lifestyle a bit more. Thanks for joining in on my first-ever lyrical breakdown.

As a boy of 10 years old, I idolized Motley Crue’s Nikki Sixx. My first album (it was actually a cassette) was Shout at the Devil. 28 years later, it’s still in my regular rotation. In particular, the track “Bastard” stands as one of my all time favorites.

The music we love connects us to our childhoods in a powerful way. As we age, the way we view the lyrics of our beloved bands and artists changes. No longer does “Puff the Magic Dragon” represent solely magic as it once did.

Let’s get to it. “Bastard” starts off with a bang.

Out go the lights, in goes my knife
Pull out his life, consider that bastard dead

My ten year old self: “Nikki Sixx is scary. That bastard must have been really mean to him.”

Today’s version of me: Those guys wore a lot of lipstick in the 80’s. Since then, I’ve seen at least two members of the band in cheesy reality television shows. I’m not buying the tough guy stuff.

The song goes on:

Get on your knees, please beg me, please
You’re the king of the sleaze, don’t you try to rape me

Ten year old me: “What? A woman tried to rape Nikki Sixx?”

Me now: A little overly polite, wasn’t that? The double please, totally overboard.

Bastard, consider that bastard dead
Bastard, make it quick, blow off his head
Whoa, whoa, bastard, we won’t get screwed again

Ten year old me: “I’m going to ask my brother what a bastard is. I’ll never get this song without knowing.”

Me now: These are the worst lyrics ever written, and this is one of my all time favorite tracks.

Got your neck in the noose, I got nothin’ to lose
We’re really gonna screw you, consider that bastard dead
Quick as a shark, the beast has it’s mark
You can’t beat the dark, don’t you try to rape me

Ten year old me: “I don’t understand why the new methods of murder are necessary. Didn’t the knife go in and out already?”

Me now: I would love to be a beast as quick as a shark. I’d still be playing baseball.

Bastard, consider that bastard dead

Bastard, we won’t get screwed again, no, no, no

Bastard, consider that bastard dead
Bastard, we won’t get screwed again
Bastard, make it quick, blow off his head
Bastard, consider that bastard dead

Whoa, whoa, bastard
Whoa, whoa, bastard
Yeah yeah yeah let me see
No, no

Me now: I feel like, at the end of the song, Nikki got supremely lazy. It’s not unusual for verses to be repeated, but for the last two lines he really threw in the towel.

That concludes my first ever lyrical breakdown. I think I’ve proven that I can blog about anything and at least one person will read it – Kaplifestyle’s editor, Stephanie.

Kap