Rewrite Society’s Rules
I believe in saying hello and goodbye at the same time, because I don’t always feel like saying goodbye. From Robert Frost: 
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both…
If you’ve been following this blog, you know I don’t believe in doing things because it’s the way they’ve always been done. I believe in actions that make sense. We all are all exceptionally different, stylistically. We should be celebrated, not condemned, for our diversity.
Ever been to a party and just felt like leaving and not talking to people on your way out? You’re tired and simply ready to bounce, but you anticipate your best friend’s voice. “You left without saying goodbye? I was looking for you everywhere.”
How many times does this happen? On your way out the door, you seek out everyone at the gathering who you might offend. They argue with you, trying to convince you to stay; they have “just a few items” to run by you before you take off. 45 minutes later, you get in your car.
Society’s rules don’t have to be our personal guidelines. We are in control.
Think through this scenario. You arrive at a family party and hug your sister. “Hey, Sally. So great to see you. It’s been way too long. By the way, I’m saying my goodbye now because when I’m ready to leave, I’m just gonna go. I love you. You look great.”
At this point, you can expect some push back. You’ve just arrived, you’re energetic, and you can roll with it. You’re the quirky family member who marches to the beat of his or her own drum. You’ll be adorable.
This is but one example of how you can make your own rules in life. There are countless others.
My grandfather didn’t do birthday gifts. Don’t get me wrong, he was extremely generous. He didn’t require a reason to hand out a present; he just did it when he felt like it. If his personal giving calendar coincided with a holiday, so be it.
When we blindly follow the rules of others, we feel trapped. Alternatively, if we do what makes sense inside our skin, we have an opportunity to smile and derive confidence…assuming we don’t allow guilt to creep in. We allow the expression of love to be confused with participation in archaic traditions that no longer vibe with our personal beliefs.
In specific, I’m saying that if it doesn’t jibe with your personal beliefs, take a pass and don’t feel guilty. The other day, my folks were concerned that they had missed my son’s graduation from middle school because they were on vacation. They hadn’t (they had the dates wrong), but they sent me apologetic, and guilt-ridden text messages.
This is unnecessary. Even if they did miss the ceremony, it wasn’t indicative of how much they love my son. This is the mistake society makes – moments like this force unnecessary pits in the stomachs of the men and women who feel like they are disappointing others.
Allow me to clarify. I don’t think we should discount the feelings of other human beings. I simply think we should create our own systems and communicate them. We can convey our beliefs in a way that will help people still bogged down by dogma comprehend that love isn’t what we’ve been brainwashed to think it is. In doing so, we honor ourselves and ultimately have a chance to create real change in our world. It’s the road less traveled.
Which of society’s rules do you refuse to follow?
In my work environment especially, I’m known as the guy who challenges the status quo. We live in a society where the way it’s always been is just how it’s done.
Those people who think outside the box of tradition are who I like to be around. Free thinkers.
I read once, from a business standpoint, that the business who does something because it’s always been that way is a business that’s doomed to fail.
Sorry to totally hijack your post, I know my comment is a little off base from what you were discussing.
Always appreciate your thoughts, John.
I fully agree here with you John. I’m similar. I’m more comfortable outside the box…but the box is important too. The art is knowing when to challenge and operate outside the box and when to just stay in the box.
When I moved from Hawaii to DC a few months I go I just left. I spent my last days having fun with some people I barely knew and my family. I didn’t take the time to say goodbye to everyone and some people were mad while others didn’t realize I was gone. I did this because first of all I didn’t have time to drive around the whole island and say goodbye to people who didn’t really care about me and second because it was a bunch of people who didn’t really care about me. I’ve been viewed as mean or a b$$$h because I won’t be fake to people and it am perfectly content being alone. I love people, but I don’t like them all and society has told us time and time again to fake it. I can’t. If we are not friends after I’ve made the effort then I cut my losses and move on. And I’ll go have a solo dinner followed by a solo movie then nighttime pillow cuddles because I like myself and I think I’m good company. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good crowd and being around people, but just because I am ok with spending so much time alone doesn’t mean I’m a b—h or psycho. It just means I’m comfortable with who I am and confident. That right there is definitely not a societal norm. Oh I also refuse to be a feminist who needs to become a ball busting CEO and dominate the work force. I want to be a wife and mother someday and THAT is going even more against today’s societal norms!!!!
Be you, Caitlin.
Your walking a fine line here. “I don’t think we should discount the feelings of other human beings” is ideal and all, and you just may be able to perfect that…however, my experience says many persons following your code use the code as an excuse to be inconsiderate.
Not every rule makes sense, and as grandpa did, doing something better wins the day. Some rules do make sense, yet are sometimes inconvenient. “I do it my own way” is often an excuse.
My lines here aren’t meant to be a counter to your opinion, but as an addendum opinion or a corollary.
I’ll digest your thoughts, Ed. Thanks.
Ed, you bring up a point I’ve struggled with during my ‘metamorphosis’. Kap’s posts are great guidelines for self-improvement and help us focus inwardly on ourselves, rather than present what we think is expected of us by others. In implementing these daily points, my mind has shifted from, ‘what will he/she/they think?’ to ‘how do I feel?’ In realizing this and basing mostly every decision I make on how it affects me and my health (both mental and physical), I struggle with the idea of selfishness. I want what is best for me, but in turn I appreciate those around me and do want to be a caring, respectful individual. It is somewhat paradoxical.
My resolution has always been, I can’t be good to someone else unless I am good to myself; it starts from within.
Oh so true.
I also see it from another light. The overall point I read from the initial post is “Don’t be afraid to think for yourself”. I’ve witnessed countless individuals who are fooling themselves by purposely acting counter to other opinions (whether societal, parents, the in crowd, etc.). This is not thinking for yourself, but instead letting others do the thinking. If you truly think for yourself you’ll sometimes follow the crowd, or your parents or society or whoever because you all reached the same conclusion….and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Pop music is an example… Can’t I just like a song because I like it, even though it’s pop? I honestly don’t like most pop, but that doesn’t mean I have to dislike every song.
“My resolution has always been, I can’t be good to someone else unless I am good to myself; it starts from within.”
I couldn’t agree more. And to take that a step further, if someone’s expectations would require you to regularly break that resolution then maybe it’s time to rethink that person’s place in your life.
I’ve been saying “no” a lot more. Especially to social obligations where no one will really notice if I’m there or not. If I’m not actually going to enjoy the company and the event, I just don’t go. My calendar is full enough.
Thanks for this reminder on being true to oneself. Most of your readers are probably alike in this mindset, which is why they identify with your site. In fact, I re-committed to this way of life after reading a great piece written about my long-time friend who is the gold standard for reason over social norms. I think you know the one I mean - you wrote it.
This person’s relentless desire to question convention and fight for truth and justice have paid off well for him. I’m now too fully embracing my own conscience and the beat composed in my own mind. Even if the world somehow fails to see the wisdom of my ways, it’s a way of life that I can’t imagine I would ever regret.
For all those who want to see some really insightful stories, find Gabe’s guest columns on Baseball Prospectus.
That’s a good read. Thanks to the author and thanks to you for pointing it out.
I also agree with your sentiment on the other readers/posters here. If we “think inside the box” as another poster put it, we would never have reached out to find this resource. We’d be at the grocery store looking for words like “no cholesterol”, “low fat” and :”high in fiber” on boxes in the middle isles.
Gavin,
Your feedback is very important to me. Thanks, brother.
Kap
I’m an introvert, so for me reenergizing after a long week on a Friday is staying in and reading a book or watching movie. Why should I have to be social just because it’s Friday? My friends tend to give me a hard time when I decline an invite .But I don’t care, I do what I need to for my energy. Thanks again for some good reading.
Have a great weekend!
Introverts unite.
Loved this post. Food for thought, for sure.
Appreciate that, Jan.
Really enjoyed this post, Gabe. That first scenario of just wanting to lave a group outing without offending anyone hit especially close to home. I tend to be shy, introverted, socially awkward (whatever labels you want to use) at times. But I also have an intense desire to just be liked and to please everyone. These characteristics don’t particularly mesh too well. You put a lot of my thoughts and opinions into words much better than I ever could. Your post (as well as the comments) really made me appreciate that there are plenty of ways to think outside the box. Not just in social settings but with life in general. Maybe it means sometimes being viewed as “different” or “quirky” but still being a good person and not an a-hole. Thanks for giving me a bit of renewed faith in some of my own beliefs.
Ryan - You just thinking “Maybe it means sometimes being viewed as “different” or “quirky” but still being a good person and not an a-hole” makes me think you are a great person….
Another post laced with good sense. I know a number of people who struggle to even know what they want, because they are so busy trying to do what they think they are supposed to. It’s sad.
Kap, this was enlightening-especially your separation of stepping off the beaten path, in social terms, and simply being yourself. Thanks, as always for the words of wisdom.