We are not responsible for the health and well being of our loved ones. We can support them and lead by example, but their fitness levels are unequivocally up to them.
We recently opened up a Q&A at Kaplifestyle. The response was overwhelming. There are so many phenomenal questions on the thread; I don’t know how I’m going to get to them all. As I often advise, when you don’t know where to start, just take the first step.
Stu came up with this doozy. It immediately struck a chord with me.
Kap, firstly I love your posts and hearing your opinion is so refreshing. A topic that I would like to hear your thoughts on is as follows. For a person that has been an athlete their whole life, always worked out etc, I find that my biggest challenge is finding ways to motivate my wife to be more physically active. Fortunately, she was blessed with beauty and a naturally healthy body/physique. As we all know, the underlying benefits of consistent physical activity aren’t always noticeable to the blind eye. I want her to be as healthy and happy as possible. I know that a consistent workout can increase her chances of achieving health and happiness. However, I can come across a little pushy and possibly have a negative effect when trying to motivate her. I hope to hear your thoughts on this sometime soon. Best, Stu.
My man. I can fully relate. My ex-wife Lisa was blessed with unfairly spectacular physical genetics, but she hates exercise with a passion. She’s the best sitter I’ve ever met. If you give Lisa a book that she digs, she’s liable to not move positions for three days. She has the gift most folks can only dream about; eat whatever you like, put your feet up and look great.
Most people I know don’t splash in Lisa’s bucket. I need to move or I don’t feel mentally sharp. I’ve become accustomed to the endorphin release. Lisa, on the other hand, has never achieved that “runner’s high.” She’s simply unable to understand why training might be addicting. She used to crack me up with randomness like, “Walking gives me a headache. Why would anyone exercise?”
I’m not a lay around type of cat. I’m a hunter. Stu, ours is an issue of sedentary vs. active. Lisa and your wife fall into the category (generally) of the former. From livestrong.com:
If you seldom engage in physical activity, you are leading a sedentary lifestyle. Being sedentary can increase your risk for health problems, including high blood pressure, obesity, cardiovascular disease, type 2 diabetes, osteoporosis, some forms of cancer and premature aging.
That is some pretty scary sounding stuff. I’m not really concerned about that when it comes to Lisa, and I don’t think you have to be when it comes to your wife. Nevertheless, I wanted her to be as healthy as possible. I know her heart needs to beat fast from physical activity on a consistent basis; she knows it too.
What can we do with our loved ones who “gots to chill” (EPMD reference; do I really need to point this out)? Quite simply, we should embody the change we’d like to see in them. We set the example through our consistent behavior. We can also invite loved ones to participate with us. From globalpost.com:
Invite your friend to exercise with you. Research has found that the amount of time people spend exercising is associated with the amount of time members of their social group spend exercising. This means that if you exercise more, your friend may feel encouraged to exercise more. You can try to influence your friend directly by inviting him to exercise with you.
Frankly, the invitations I would issue to Lisa didn’t work out all that often. She usually giggled when I asked her if she wanted to go run sprints with me. My young men meet me with similar eye rolls. There is something about horses and water here.
When I was a lad, my musician and piano teacher father tried desperately to learn me (intentional grammatical error, just keeping pace with the previous reference) his craft. I fought desperately against it. I was trying to gain separation and independence at that point. Now, I wish with every iota of my being that I had taken him up on his kindness. I’d be money on the black and white ivory (Ice Cube, You Know How We Do It) today.
We can’t force another’s process to shake hands with our lifestyle. Sometimes, we aren’t the appropriate beings to deliver the message. The best we can do is continually open space for our family and friends to join us. That means we must fully accept the reply with a smile. We must disconnect ourselves and leave our narcissism behind. This ain’t about us.
Your wife, Stu, is not an extension of you. She is her own capable-minded woman. Separate your experience from hers. She’ll get there when she gets there. If she never arrives, your side of the street is spotless.
Indeed, Lisa is spectacular 🙂 I, on the other hand, have to work a little harder!! Thanks G.
Smile.
Based on reactions, you’d swear inviting someone into your fitness and/or nutritional world is akin to inviting them to partake in your religion.
The funny thing, I enjoy being invited into others religious celebrations just for the experience… I myself am relatively agnostic.
We are getting to know you, Ed. Love it.
This resonates. Motivating myself is just as challenging sometimes. Right now, it’s about trying to stay healthy to keep up with our very active 3-year old boy. That’s a workout.
A three year old is a mental grind, as well. Thanks for bringing a good take, Joel.
Richie says
I have been an athlete my entire 43 years of life and have worked out for the past 30. I have tried to coax my wife in to exercising, yet she can not consistently stay with it. Two months ago, we started walking a mile every night after dinner with the dogs and then drop them at home and go out for another mile or two on our own. It has helped her loose ten pounds and has brought us closer together. Great post as always! Love the EPMD reference!! Eric & Parish Making Dollars!!
Appreciate you, Richie.
Richie Ernst says
Hey G, when am I going to see you on Ray Donovan! Love that show and they have a few scenes in Malibu!
Excellent post! Im a lucky man because my wife and I workout together on a daily basis. She loves for me to push her to test her limits. Both of us played sports in high school and she also did dance in college then life started getting in the way. Jobs, kid, dogs and so on. To get her going with me again I had one statement ” we need to grow old TOGETHER so get off you ass”. It’s been 14 years and counting since I told her that.
Richie Ernst says
Great comment Duane! I told my wife the same thing when we got engaged. She was a part time smoker!
Thanks Richie! Sometimes you need to put your foot down. Good job getting her out there and kicking the habit.
#BeatAuburn (@HutchBeav) says
I’ve been trying to get my wife to be more active. I think I might try this with her.
Sweet advice Duane.
You guys are bringing it on a regular basis. Strong work.
Thanks Hutch! I pray for ya that it works and you get her moving. If it doesn’t then your side of the street is spotless
In high school, there was a sign over the physical education office that read: “A Boy for Every Sport, and a Sport for Every Boy”. (This was a long time ago!) What I did take away from that though, was when it comes to a life-long exercise regimen, it is VERY helpful to find something that you LOVE to do. I always envied the people who loved to exercise and DIDN’T play a sport-I just couldn’t stand how they could withstand the boredom! My sisters were anything but gym rats, but one loves to ski, and the other plays tennis every day. It’s easier to have fun every day than ‘work’ out. Once you’re hooked on your sport, there’s a good chance you’ll back-end the fitness part, just so you can enjoy the play even more.
Preach.
Taking it old school with the EPMD reference. I can personally relate to this post and I really agree with your last statement: “She’ll get there when she gets there. If she never arrives, your side of the street is spotless.” I dealt with this in my past relationship. I was told several times “It’s ok if you let yourself go-that’s what happens when you get old”. I am not accustomed to ‘letting myself go’. It’s a personal health choice more than a vanity issue to honest. I was unfortunately was born with a ton of health issues and my healthy lifestyle has enabled me to decrease the amount of medications I take on a daily basis. I tried to get my ex to go walking and swimming with me but he didn’t feel it was necessary. He had a saying very similar to your ex wife : “I walk when I need to otherwise, it makes me tired. I’m not in the habit of making myself tired and sweaty on purpose”.
-Kelebek
Good stuff today. Thank you.
Yet another reason to always stay single.
Exercise is my drug and when my veins go away, I get sad. Glad to see you’re never going to be sad. Lol
True that. Never.
I struggled in a similar light with an ex-girlfriend of mine who dispised the gym, walks… Any sort of athletic activity…. Which drove me nuts… Especially since she didn’t understand my need at that time to get into the gym everyday.
About a year ago, I was asking her what she wanted for her birthday and she shocked the hell out of me by sending me a link to an expensive three month membership to a “boot camp”.
After confirming she was not joking, I plopped down my credit card and signed her up.
She has been hardcore now for the last 14 months, despite a full work and school load.. She eatsicj better, hates to miss a workout and actually harasses me about my lack of consistency at the ‘ol iron mill.
“……and like an epidemic it becomes contagious….”
Read you mañana .
Ps- Kap….. My mom put me in three years of piano lessons… Forced me to practice 5 times per week… Each day, I couldn’t wait to get off the bench and get back to my skateboard and soccer training… Today… I only wish I could sit down and muster up a diddy to entertain those close to me…. Funny how we end up- eh?
Crazy, right? I suppose this moment is exactly as it should be.
Extremely difficult to get some people motivated. Always here I dont have time.. I have three kids playing sports scattered all over the state ever night and work 6 7 days a week. Gotta want it
This blog gets better everyday. Thank you for the consistent effort and care you put into crafting your posts. They’re a highlight of the day.
Kap,
I love the fact you take on every response to all the comments. It’s what the continued growth to your blog and keeps readers coming back! I totally agree that you cant make a loved one hop on the excerise train and its a will that comes within. No matter what your schdule looks like to take the time out to find that window to put your head down and do the work. Not easy for myself with a loaded work schdule, chasing around 2 five year old boys, and having baseball, soccer practice & games 6 out of 7 days a week!!! I thrive on living a healthy lifestyle style that consists of crossfit, biking, runnning and taking care of your engine with the right amount of nutrients! Look foward to taking 5 minutes out of my day to read your blog and it is extremly refreshing to see all these positive vibes day in and out!
Have a blessed day and keep the good stuff coming,
Ryan O
Hey Kap,
First off, great articles man!
Second, can you please tell me how much weight you currently lift for the 5×5 exercises (squats, OHP, BOR, Bench Press & deadlift)? Also, how much weight you were doing when you first got ripped or how much one needs to be lifting to get a “serious” physique?
Thanks,
Brandon