Guilt trips damage relationships and should never work.
You may have noticed that the NLCS just ended, and the World Series is set to begin. As an analyst for FOX Sports, this is perhaps my busiest time of the year. I’m not only in studio for a large part of the day, but I spend additional hours buried in a computer prepping to make sure I’m ready to talk numbers. It is a critical time for me, and I wish to excel.
The other day, I was knee deep in that prep when I received a message from a friend.
“You never have time for me anymore, hope you’re doing well.”
Adding in those well wishes at the end of the text was clever. I find these guilt trips unattractive and uncomfortable. In this case, my immediate feeling was one of some resentment. I had a hard time believing that this person cared about my current state. From globalpost.com:
Guilt trips of both kinds heavily exaggerate the situation and present a one-sided view rife with blame and simplistic judgment. Guilt trips may commonly rely on “always” and “never” statements with accusations of intentional cruelty or a total lack of caring on your part.
At their heart, guilt trips are simply emotional manipulation. They play on our existing emotions and demand we alter our behavior. From manipulative-people.com:
Skilled manipulators know the vulnerabilities of their opponents. If vanity is someone’s weakness, a seduction tactic might be the best manipulation tactic. If over-conscientiousness is their weakness, perhaps guilt-tripping would be the most effective way to gain the upper hand.
My friend may believe that by pointing out my lack of availability, I’ll magically have moments to devote to them. Even were I not under such time pressures, the guilt trip leaves me less likely to desire their company, despite my love for my friend. All I feel is the negative tones they have struck with me, their lack of patience and acceptance. This is the complete inverse of their intended result.
I always respond to these situations with firm kindness. I make no excuses, no justifications and do no explaining.
“Thanks, hope you’re well too.”
There is nothing to be gained in arguing or defending my position. However, it is important to keep in mind where our guilt tripping friends may be coming from. From academia.edu:
Individuals lack awareness into whether they consciously chose to guilt trip. The majority of participants did not think their actions were wrong or were willing to take accountability for the guilt trip. A guilt trip may mark a discrepancy between two varying internal standards. Individuals may feel the aversive feeling of being guilt tripped is justified in helping shape the way people should treat each other.
I lose nothing by extending the benefit of the doubt. They may not be consciously aware of their actions, and there is no downside to responding with warmth. I protect myself by identifying manipulation, but always reply with politeness. Keeping my side of the street clean in terms of my behavior produces a sense of pride.
Now, if they escalate the conversation, I may have to change my number.
Hey, I noticed you haven’t commented much recently. What kind of reader are you?
Kap
Oh how I can relate on so many levels, G!!! Thank you for today’s post. I DO hope you’re well!!!
Me too Jules, me too!!
Ah….so much love, Dear Susan!!!!
Much love to both of you.
Ha! Great way to punctuate your point. Love it, Kap. Looking forward to more of your analysis in the post season. I’ll be rooting for KC this time.
World Series right around the corner, Janinne. Talk soon.
Gettin’ all tongue and cheeky with us on that last sentence.
When I see people and they say, “I haven’t heard from you in forever,” my response is the phone works both ways! “Well, I didn’t want to bother you.” So what made you change your mind?
~Al~
My man.
Kap,
I like to think I’m have good communications skills, or at least aware of the tools involved with demonstrating those skills.
First, messages are dangerous for a couple reasons. First they don’t have a context and the message might have been an actual observation, or a casual observation mixed with misunderstood humor (or delivered in the way you perceived). Second, the sender maybe didn’t read there own message and unintentionally sent that exact wording.
Second, I have this rule: Good communication beats bad communication, but bad communication beats no communication. In the end, bad communication, whether conveying anger or guilt, does communicate. Let’s agree good communication is still the preferred method, but bad communication let’s you know where you stand…
Your takes are always thoughtful, Ed. Thanks.
I work in higher education, and do a lot of work around conflict resolution (in a word: roommates). One of the biggest errors we make is assuming somebody’s intentions, projecting our own stress and baggage onto a message that has an intended meaning that didn’t come out quite right.
The other thing nugget I’ve taken from training in conflict resolution is moving from Position statements (“You never have time for me anymore”) to finding the Needs and Interests behind those statements (just want to spend time, connect with a friend, feel cared about, etc.). Position type statements are generally disagreeable and can lead to conflict, often provoking a “If you lived my life for a while, you’d know exactly why I do what I do” defensive posturing. However, who can argue with somebody wanting to care for us? That’s a common need and common interest, which creates empathy and understanding. The problem is, the thinky parts of our brains are crap at expressing the feely parts of our brains, so everyone ends up saying stuff they didn’t mean in response to stuff they didn’t understand in the first place because neither party took the time to find the right words.
It makes abundant sense to keep our side of the street clean, making sure we’re not just shoving our garbage onto our neighbors’ section of sidewalk!
Strong. Thanks.
“…spend additional hours buried in a computer prepping…and I wish to _excel_.”
Pun intended? Keep up the good work, Kap.
– Dan
Appreciate you, Dan.
If any guilt trip, whether intended or not, affects you and you wind up carrying the portable guilt around in your pocket, perhaps take it out, look at it, decide to act on it — or just blow your nose into it and toss into a circular file.
Why does the fire have to be circular?
Circular file is your trash bin :). At work when people receive junk mail they say it’s going in the circular file.
Love your post! I’ve had friends write the same thing to me but what they mean is they’ve been waiting for me to help them with some task. Never offer to help me through tough times.
Have a blast this World Series!
In ‘The Celestine Prophecy’ they examine that very thing in depth. The best relationships are balanced. When one side gets needy, the quality will suffer. Stay in control of your own life, and respect others.
100%
If I send this post to a friend, am I guilt-tripping them about guilt-tripping me? Great post!
Good catch Matt!
Ha. Well done.
You’re better than me, because I wouldn’t have replied. Just like you, my job keeps me busy and nothing annoys me more than grown ass people looking for attention when they know I’m busy as hell. Just keep your kids first, and everyone else can wait. Keep doing your thing Kap!
Thanks for stopping by, Bridget.
Hey, Kap Man..
I love that your blog is much more than fitness related issues. Subjects like this on how you should live your life, compose yourself and treat others are invaluable. Not everyone gets it but glad you do. Looking forward to the next post. Keep on doing your thing Kap Man…
Thanks very much for the support, Joe.
Justification for a higher education, right? The struggle in our communications is pathetic sometimes. We grow up and speak the accepted “International” language known throughout the world; our national tongue is English. Yet, we don’t have enough people able to articulate what it is they are feeling without packing someone’s bags for the veritable guilt trip. The example you mention is not new, and it won’t likely go away, but we can only hope to educate ourselves better, so we can express what we feel, instead of having the opposite effect. Not everyone can find words to communicate clearly, but it should be the daily effort to get better each day.
Makes me reflect on your other topic of “honest communication.”
Great post!
Glad you’re commenting regularly, Rhys. You bring value.
I am an avid reader, thanks for asking! (what is the emoji for tongue in cheek?)
Nicely done, Jerry.
Awesome! Just what I needed today… Thanks Kap!
Dig.
Hey, I comment almost every day Mr. 4.5%…lol! Do not play that West Coast guilt trip on me! Great post as always! So when are we doing breakfast or dinner! I am buying if you make it to the NYC area!
Up to 4.71. See you at Johnny’s Luncheonette.
http://www.yelp.com/biz/johnys-luncheonette-new-york?osq=johnny%27s+luncheonette
“At their heart, guilt trips are simply emotional manipulation.” Well put love-Guilt trips are what my father calls argument starters. When you say to some one “I never see you, glad you had time for me” (which was said to me recently), you have to figure that the other person is going to get defensive and then the conversation escalates from there.
Don’t fall into the trap! I like your response Kap. Mine was more snarky. I replied “you’re welcome!”
-Kelebek
Do your thing, Kelebek.
I feel like you don’t have time to reply with more than 3 words and that hurts me. It only takes 2.5 seconds to type a word using your left pinky toe so I do not feel like this relationship can last much longer.
PLEASE RESPOND
I really appreciate
Kap,
Perfect post, nailed a recent situation and really hit home. Excellent job with this, a lot of food for thought and great response strategy.
Thanks for all the hard work.
Jon
Dig, Jon. Thanks.
Ok so tired I just got the guilt trip joke. Ha! I always try to understand when my friends are busy. If I need my friends, I just tell them, hey I need my friend when you’re not busy call me let’s talk. Now you never reply to my responses 😉
C’mon, HH. Thanks for stopping by, as always.
Kap-
Yes- I am lagging on this reply (guilty)… But so glad I read this. You just validated how I get down when people are pressuring me to see them or show up to functions that I can’t or don’t feel up to attending.
Love this.
Thanks Money.
…and they ended hte post with a guilt trip… hahahaha