Small Steps

I am always up for a challenge. I relish attacking them with trial and error. In this case, a kaplifestyle.com reader came to me with a big challenge. I’m definitely in over my head here, but not a bit scared. Let’s dive in.

Hey Kap, this is maybe an odd question, but do you have any advice for someone who’s pathologically lazy? I’m 36 and just can’t seem to get it together. Struggled with depression and anxiety for years. Medication used to help but not so much any more. Probably 75 pounds overweight. Really, really want to get things turned around but can’t seem to do it. I can barely get out of bed a lot of days. I’m like the polar opposite of someone like you…I look at people with your motivation like you’re from Mars, I would kill to be like that. Figured it wouldn’t hurt to ask. Thanks man. And I really mean it when I say pathologically lazy, I lead a completely sedentary lifestyle, just addicted to laying in bed surfing the net, reading, doing absolutely nothing day after day. Sick of it.

There’s a lot packed into this one comment. Before we get started, I should make a few things clear. I am not:

  1. A doctor
  2. A psychologist
  3. Pathologically lazy
  4. Able to relate to the desire to be sedentary
  5. Depressed

Do these things add a layer of complexity on to my ability to impact Sox Fan? Probably. Do they eliminate my chances of helping? Hell no. With nothing to lose, I’ll take a hard swing.

What I am:

  1. Human
  2. Empathetic
  3. Interested
  4. Resourceful
  5. Patient (sometimes)

These characteristics allow me to at least devour another’s issue. In this case, I suggest one tiny step.

Sox Fan,

I’ve always collected confidence through the accomplishment of taking a small step in the right direction. Reaching a tiny goal whets my appetite for the next marker on my journey’s path.

Let’s not try to see your entire map now. Instead, we’ll pick a direction rather than endlessly searching for the perfect one.

Tomorrow, don’t force yourself to get out of bed. Instead, stay put, but pull out a pen and a piece of paper. Write down five things that inspire a strong, positive vibration inside of you. If that seems intimidating, a tepid thought with a plus charge is a start.

Here’s my personal example:

  1. Wind
  2. The crispness of an apple
  3. Miles Davis
  4. A Giancarlo Stanton line drive
  5. A trip to Cape Town, South Africa

In bed, allow your powerful thoughts to permeate you. Connect with and appreciate the emergence of the tiniest twinge of zeal. Perform this process every other day for two weeks, and hold yourself accountable. It’s an experiment; if the net result is nil, we simply chalk it up to a good learn. From huffingtonpost.com:

Research has shown that writing down what you’re thankful for can lead to a multitude of wellness benefits. Keeping a gratitude journal can reinforce positive thoughts — something particularly helpful as the brain tends to naturally focus on what goes wrong. Putting pen to paper can also help you make more progress as you work toward personal goals.

In order to reap the full benefits of journaling, Emmons recommends writing for five to 10 minutes every other day. “You really need to commit to doing it, and if you write it down eventually it will become more automatic,” Emmons says. “It’s like exercise — you’re not just going to get up one morning and go running, you need to have a plan. You need to have a gratitude action plan, whether it’s waking up and writing in the morning or in the evening before you go to sleep — no one size best fits all.

Sox Fan, this alone won’t cure your ills. It’s a small step with one foot in the right direction. Move forward and check in with me. We can lift the second leg together with another dose (see what I did?) of trial and error.

You’re not alone,

Kap

  • Bryan

    Great response, Kap. Hopefully your words and those in the comments of this post will permeate not only with Sox Fan, but with the silent viewers of your page looking for that little “push” of motivation on whatever it is in their lives that they seek to conquer.

    Sox Fan, as I said in response to your initial post, you are not alone; we are all in this life together.

    • Gabe Kapler

      Support matters, Bryan. Good stuff.

  • Jessica

    I’m a cancer survivor and often suffer from feeling down. Writing down things you are thankful for truly helps you focus on the positive. Sox Fan seems very aware of his issues and the direction he wants to go. That’s a huge first step. He seems very bright as well. I hope he finds his way.

    • Gabe Kapler

      Thanks for jumping in here, Jessica. Appreciate your thoughts.

  • Ben

    Good luck Sox Fan. Great advice from Gabe. I once read to think this way….Instead of lay, sit. Instead of sit, stand. Instead on stand, walk. Instead of walk, jog……You get the point. Try that for a day or two. My theory is you have to see results in the mirror. Once you do, you will be hooked. Best wishes.

    • Gabe Kapler

      I’m in full agreement with this approach, Ben. Well done.

  • Joe

    I think the reason that folks like Sox Fan get into situations like this is that they believe that no one cares. What they find when they finally do reach out, even in a forum like this, is that people really do care. We care, we offer advice, and we want to see you succeed. And you know what Sox Fan? If you reach out to the people in your home, apartment, building, street, or neighborhood you’ll find people who care for and about you there too. Reaching out is a first step and you’ve already done that. Do it again today, and then tomorrow, and the day after that. I’ll be interested to see where and who you are 6 months from now.

    • Gabe Kapler

      My man, Joe. Keep this good shit rolling, folks. If I feel the strong energy, Sox Fan feels it.

  • Mark

    As someone who lives with depression, accepting that as a reality is actually an empowering first step. Consider depression like you might a knee injury, for instance. You may never have a 100% healthy knee ever again, but being injured must not define you. You are bigger than your hurts. And, looking at those without injuries as a means for defining our own condition is dangerous. Striving to be who you are not is an impossibility. Your knee will never go back in time and be not injured. You’ll never be not depressed. That’s OK. Be 100% who YOU are-even those things that cause hardship. Don’t wake up and try to be Gabe Kapler. Being “sick of it” is a good start, but instead of making the things that suck go away, focus on amplifying those things that you would prefer to define you (much as Kap suggests). One of my favorite quotes is from Oscar Wilde: “Be yourself; everyone else is taken.” All the best…

    • Gabe Kapler

      Love the Oscar Wilde quote, Mark. Thanks for bringing it.

  • Chester

    Well written, Gabe. Let’s hope it makes a positive difference in Sox Fan’s game plan. “Five Things that inspire” — likely that everybody should refer to their own list, review and modify as needed.

    • Gabe Kapler

      Thanks, Chester? What’s on your list? And on that note, what’s on everyone’s list?

      • Chester

        Difficult to narrow down, but off the top of my head, here goes.
        1. Family & friends, including Women (and the mystery thereof)
        2. The right tune at the right time
        3. Dogs and hummingbirds
        4. Whitewater & climbing
        5. Watching Pence bat.

        • Gabe Kapler

          #5, in particular, we share in common.

          • Chester

            Hunter Pence — giving hope to gawky kids everywhere. Does that apply to today’s issue? Maybe. How about looking deeper; somebody like Jim Abbott, who had one hand. What kept him going? He loved baseball, had a goal and kept working at it. He winds up hurling a no-hitter in the major leagues. But yeah, baby steps, small steps. When he was a little kid and said he wanted to be a baseball player, he didn’t just become a major-leaguer merely by making that statement. It was, however, a small step in that direction.
            That small step can be its own reward — “Hey, I’ve taken a step. Cool!” So take the step; look forward to the next step. If you step in mud — well, we all do — just pull it out and keep going. Sox Fan I hope Gabe’s post and all the comments help.

        • Paul

          I receive a daily message from a site that includes news & opinions on politics, science,lifestyle, etc. (Mostly politics & world news)

          But it often contains columns from another blog that deals with this kind of issue: What do happy & successful people DO that help them get & stay that way?

          But I don’t like the idea of promoting another blog & traffic away from Gabe! 😉

          • Gabe Kapler

            Ha. I appreciate the sentiment, Paul.

  • http://gravatar.com/stanmickus Stan Mickus

    I like Kap’s advice. It’s small steps, small gains, never looking too far ahead to be overwhelmed by what lies ahead. Don’t bite off too much now (some pun intended), keep it real and forge ahead. It’s about a lifestyle change and that will not happen overnight or in a few days or weeks. In order to be successful, it will have to be incremental and don’t be afraid to look back and applaud yourself for your accomplishments. Go for it Sox Fan!!

    • Gabe Kapler

      Encouragement from Stan, no charge.

  • http://gravatar.com/billstraehl billstraehl

    Baby steps! The answer to many challenges. You need will power-you already have it, just need to dust it off and make use of it. It’s hiding right in that pen and paper. Write down your goal, and write down what you did to work towards it, or what you DIDN’T do. You’re own self evaluation is all the motivation you’ll need. Start small but be consistent. When it’s easy, make it a bit harder, but doable. You’ll quickly get in the habit, start looking forward to it, and before you know it, you’re doing things you didn’t think were possible.

    • Gabe Kapler

      Strong work, Bill.

      • harvard512

        Just discovered your site. I ve always admired you as an athlete and now to see how you’re helping people is great stuff..and giving me the motivation i need to get back to the gym.

  • Julie Dewing

    Love the responses…as my friend Gabe knows, I can relate to not feeling great on many days due to depression. Baby steps and support from my people are what get me through!!!

  • http://www.Kelebekfusion.com kbeyazdancer

    Really great post sweetheart! I am very touched. I hope that Sox Fan feels the love coming from the group and that we all have struggles.
    Please keep us posted on your progress (if you are comfortable sharing with all of us).
    Here is my list:
    1-The sound of a child giggling (reminds me to laugh more and enjoy life)
    2-Picnics in Central Park
    3-Aretha Franklin
    4-My Sister, a Cancer survivor
    5-Sunrise on the beach

    Miles Davis was a close 6th on my list as his music kept me going through Graduate school.

    Little mama in NJ is pulling for you Sox Fan! Thanks again for the inspiration Kap!
    -Kelebek

  • Tyler

    Happy 10th anniversary of getting ejected in the A-rod vs. Varitek fight my man

  • Duane

    Outstanding post and comments! Sox fan just take it slow and steady. Never ever left a man behind and not going to start now! You have my support 100%. Anything you need just let us know.

    I apologize but my list is pretty short for what inspires a strong, positive vibration for me:

    1. Family
    2. Friends

    Stay positive and keep moving forward. Thanks as always, Kap.

  • http://twitter.com/HutchBeav John Beavers (@HutchBeav)

    I was stabbed in the abdomen in 2009. Very close to dying. I battled with depression afterwards and still struggle with PTSD. I totally get the feeling. Writing my feelings down was a great release for me. I had the tendency to verbally attack people until I, at the advice of a very good counselor, started using Journaling as an outlet.

    Keep up the good fight Sox Fan and baby steps man. Baby steps.

  • http://twitter.com/bbeck41 BB (@bbeck41)

    Thanks for posting Kap. As a psychiatrist behavioral activation is a must for people with depression. Setting small goals such as “I won’t wear my pajamas after 10 AM” or “I will walk around the block three times a week” can have a profound impact on people. I found that these small goals had a faster result that waiting for an anti-depressant to take effect. And of course, anti-depressant can have unwanted side effects.

    Again thanks for posting.

    • http://twitter.com/bbeck41 BB (@bbeck41)

      than* waiting

  • https://plus.google.com/112281849940556001104 nicholas head

    Gabe, I am glad you decided to take this as a serious question, like it was. The situation like Sox fan described in many peoples minds seems so far removed from what they could ever deal with, but nothing could be further from the truth. I fell into these bad habits and the same situation this guy seems seems to be in, nearly 10 years ago, and it’s taken up until this year to get 75% of these banished from my life. The crazy part is that it took mere weeks to start them all. Small steps are the only way for most to get healthy or they will out and out reject all the good changes both consciously and subconsciously.

  • Seth

    Really good advice here from Kap and all the comments.
    I dealt (deal) with similar issues as Sox Fan. I can sit down in front of my tv, which is connected to my computer and the next thing I know 6 or 7 hours have passed and I’ve wasted an entire day.
    I made the list of things I wanted to accomplish, and fully intended to follow through. At the end of every day though, I found myself having accomplished none of them because the ever elusive “Tomorrow” was right around the corner, and I could just check the boxes then.
    I created for myself what I call the Tomorrow Syndrome. I had to make strict rules for myself. I decided to treat the internet like a reward rather than a luxury. I don’t allow myself to even turn on my computer until I’ve checked some boxes off my list. For me, it’s bike riding. I put in ten miles on the bike, I get to use my computer. If I’ve spent an hour on the computer, I owe 25 push-ups and sit-ups. If there is a really long article I’d like to read, I print it out and ride to the park to read it.
    Small steps are definitely a key. It took a very long time, but now sitting and looking at a screen feels kind of hollow. Almost like I’m cheating myself out of something.

    “Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today” - Ben Franklin. Seems obvious, but for me it changed a lot.

  • Tim

    I would HIGHLY recommend the book, “The Slight Edge” by Jeff Olson for this person. It goes along with your advice Kap and would be perfect in helping to improve the life of the person who wrote this letter.

  • Jessica Bradley

    Hey Kap! I’m not an athlete by any means, but my boyfriend showed me your blog and I really love the kind of health advice and lifestyles you’re promoting here! Since I notice you say you love a challenge…how about a 30-day vegan challenge? Seems like a vegan-diet is very in line with your ideology on life and health and I think it would be awesome to expose it to your readers. Just a thought! :)