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Asking Why?

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If we want the people we love and the people we work with to trust and follow us, we must always be able to answer the question, “why?” If we can’t answer that question with an affirmatively logical reason when it comes to how we do things and the decisions we make, we need to change course.

This evening, I sat with my 15 year old son Chase at the kitchen table over bowls of Thai soup. He grabbed the brand new carton of milk from the fridge, but no glass. I looked at him, confused, the expression on my face conveying, “oh hellllll, no.” I watched him carefully as he removed the cap. Then, I verbalized my thoughts, leading to the following conversation.

Me: “Chase, you’re not going to drink directly out of that container, are you? Dane (his brother) will use that milk for cereal.”

Chase, very calmly and deliberately: “Dad, why not? You and Dane drink water directly out of the glass containers in the fridge.”

Me: “That’s not apples and apples. Milk isn’t water.”

Chase: “Germs can get into water the same way they can get into milk. Why are you guys willing to share water but he and I can’t share milk?”

Damn. I didn’t have a logical, reasonable answer to the question, “why?” So I conceded. “Brother (yes, I call my son brother from time to time), you’re right. Go ahead and drink the milk directly from the carton.” Chase smiled confidently.

My flexibility was important to his development, but more importantly, this concession made sense. Reasons should exist for policies and boundaries and they should be rational. Our family members and our loved ones are our customers. The followers of any organization, and that includes family members, want to understand the impetus for decisions and course changes. From Simon Sinek:

People don’t buy what you do, they buy why you do it. What you do is simply proof of what you believe.

I believe that continually mining for the answer to the question “why?” leads to confidence in our decision making process. If we think about the value proposition of our actions and choices prior to making them, folks will feel our assuredness and jump on our bus.

I also believe the process of the dig for answers is what matters most in removing old paradigms, like the one I had about the milk. The practice enhances our nimbleness and we become fairer, more balanced leaders.

Strong Mind,

Kap

 

  • Dr. Erica

    “Why” is one of the human elements that separates us from other species. Our higher level of function, the ability to critically think instead of taking life at face value determines us to be a more developed being. In his book, The Gift of Fear (a forensic classic for those who hAvent read it) Gavin Devecker states, “Only human beings can look directly at something, have all the information they need to make an accurate prediction, perhaps even momentarily make the accurate prediction, and then say that it isn’t so.”. We want to know why but then we have to believe it. In relationships, why may give us a path to closure. In other areas life why may open more doors for inquiry. Good food for thought on a Sunday morning. 😉 -Erica

    • Gabe Kapler

      Thank you, Dr. E.

  • Jack

    I know the milk part was only the setting for your actual point, but I’ve always been curious how much / how easily saliva and oral bacteria can get into the milk when drinking straight from the carton. Like you said, milk isn’t water. It contains sugars and proteins that can produce observable, relatively quick changes like fermentation or spoilage. Water that’s “contaminated” with saliva or bacteria probably doesn’t change in state all that much (as far as we can tell), and I’m guessing the usage/refill rate of your water containers is also higher than the turnover of your milk cartons.

    I live by myself so I don’t have to worry about using a glass (okay I’ll be honest, I’m actually just lazy), but I usually hold the carton up a bit higher and pour without touching my mouth to the container because of this (possibly unfounded) idea that it’ll spoil.

    • Gabe Kapler

      Appreciate you stopping by, Jack.

  • http://www.Kelebekfusion.com Kelebek Beyaz

    Very good post love! He had a logical question and you approached his question in the correct manner-you didn’t make up something to scare him or use the old line “Because I said so”. Now the question is: will you continue letting him drink out of the carton?
    Asking the question “why?” is the entire reason I became a scientist. I wanted to know what germs do (specifically I remember asking my mother: “Why are germs mean?”), how they grow, and how to prevent the spread of them. I was taught not to accept the don’t do this or that or you’ll catch cold without knowing if it was true.
    Your son is learning a valuable lesson.
    Kelebek

    • Gabe Kapler

      As always, KB, thank you.

  • Chester

    Drinking straight from the carton is part of a 15-year old’s rite of passage.

    • Gabe Kapler

      Indeed, Chester.

  • bill

    can’t help but be reminded of a bit Bill Cosby used to do about the question, ‘Why is there Air?” He thought it silly-every phys.ed. student knew why there is air-to fill up volleyballs and basketballs!

    • Gabe Kapler

      Ha. Nicely done, Bill.