I dig the comments section of this blog. Not only do I get to interact with readers, but plenty of posts are inspired by people asking for assistance I feel I can provide.
In this case, Evan Longoria’s guest post about the state of youth baseball here at Kaplifestyle prompted numerous comments. Reader Ben, with sharp self-evaluation skills and authenticity that I respect in another, identified himself as the (at times) overbearing father Evan eloquently inspired us to examine.
I’m a bit torn as I see things from a different perspective. I feel as though at times that I am “that dad.”
Ben gave us a bit of his background. He was a Division One athlete on the brink of signing a professional contract, only to fall short due to the numbers game in the Cincinnati Reds organization.
Having been involved in professional baseball in one capacity or another for roughly 20 years, I can tell you that the alleys of our sport are littered with stories like these. Unfortunately, being gifted with exceptional talent isn’t always enough. Baseball is a harsh business and falling just short of the childhood dream can be a difficult storm to weather.
Many men find themselves resenting this perceived misfortune. Shaking their fists at the baseball gods, they move on in life, have kids of their own, but always wonder where they might be if their paths had been slightly altered. Often times, there is nothing they could have done. Being in the right place at the right time isn’t necessarily a skill. In Ben’s case, the circumstances at his position partially dictated his fate. He was a catcher, and the Reds already had too many.
Ben, correctly or incorrectly, sees a further lesson. He needed to be pushed harder as a kid and may be holding his mother and father accountable.
I was never on your level, but in hindsight I do feel if I would have had someone there for me, maybe I would have gotten to your level
I think it’s important to be introspective and accept personal responsibility instead of blaming luck. However, regret doesn’t serve us well in life. It, like fear, guilt and other negative emotions, interferes with us making good decisions. All of us experience the moments of self-doubt and question what might have been, but we must fight against allowing those old memories to creep in and lead the way. They negatively impact judgment and throw up obstacles to our goal of long term happiness. From Huffington Post:
German researchers found that subjects over 65 who were happiest in their lives did not show remorse over opportunities missed as part of a game of chance, while those who were depressed did.
Our health and wellbeing, and that of our children, is front and center in our worlds. We all want our kids to lead improved versions of the lives we’ve endured. It’s admirable to strive to provide that outcome for them.
Ben is hell-bent on doing just that. He talks about his young man with great pride.
Along comes my son. He is a really awesome little five year old. He started enjoying baseball at a very early age. He wanted to do what his dad enjoyed. I have taught him quite a bit and he has become very good for his age. I don’t want to ever be accused of pushing him but at the same time I don’t want to let him down by being passive.
Two things jump off the page for me. The first is the honest checks and balance system Ben is trying to implement. He’s examining what approach will be best for his little guy. This is an absolutely critical role for a parent.
The second, however, is more problematic. The boy in question is only 5. It can be fun to discuss and dream on talent, but this is still a very young child. There isn’t a real need to sponge the best out of him yet, whether in baseball or any other endeavor.
When I was five, I was plenty happy with a lime and a plastic baseball bat. There wasn’t a talent evaluator on Earth who would have suggested that I had a shot to play in the big leagues.
I spent hours in the neighborhood as I grew, by myself, throwing taped sock balls and tennis balls against a brick wall and playing imaginary games. I never, for a single moment, felt pushed by my parents. From The Telegraph:
Ellis Cashmore, a professor of culture, media and sport at Staffordshire University, said today’s children were more likely to win The X Factor than become sports stars.
“My answer to parents who tell me their child might become a leading footballer or athlete is that they are putting them at risk of serious injury or closer to the world of performance-enhancing drugs.”
This is fairly extreme, but Cashmore’s point is correct. At Ben’s son’s age, no child is a superstar; they’re simply a five year old. How many parents can accurately and appropriately identify their child as a future star? Walk into any elementary school in your neighborhood. Statistically, there are zero professional athletes.
Of course, the stories of Serena and Tiger and their parents who “made them” rule the headlines, but how many stories of children scarred by their undesired hours on the court or field hide from the spotlight? At this age, they need love, expressed continually and unreservedly. Evan’s original point remains – if your child is talented and self-motivated enough to be standing out there under the lights, they’ll arrive.
Ben may not have felt enough care from his father, I gather.
I was the youngest of five boys and I don’t feel my dad was there for me. I made a promise to be there for my son and not let him figure things out on his own as much.
What a powerful, dominating thought. It fills my heart to see a father so devoted to his son’s life and happiness. But can’t this cut both ways?
I had an abundance of leadership on offer from my musician father if I wanted to learn piano. My mother, an early childhood educator, would have happily taught me everything she knew about the development stages of young people (perhaps I should have accepted before I had children of my own.) These things were not my interests. When it came to baseball, I received no guidance. Nor was I led in my desires to ride my skateboard and listen to profanity-laced music.
My parents didn’t necessarily endorse all of my interests, but I always felt safe. I amassed an enormous amount of satisfaction from “figuring things out” on my own. Granted, I was an independent-minded kid. I rode the school bus to the stop ½ a mile away, and then walked home to an empty house when I was 8 years old and in the third grade. While my ability to successfully manage this experience injected me with confidence, not all children are the same.
There is no perfect roadmap to raising children. Ben and I can offer our anecdotes, but these aren’t science. Our philosophies may differ, though our goal to raise happy, healthy men is aligned. Ben shared his tenet with me.
I believe in the school of hard knocks and don’t coddle my child. The only time I push him a bit is when he doesn’t try. When he says “I can’t do it” gets me the worst. I am very kind to him but will not let him use the lame excuses. We play all kinds of different sports throughout the year. Right now is tennis. When he is old enough he will likely play basketball.
Then he asked for mine.
Sometimes objectivity from a complete stranger helps. How did your dad parent you when it came to sports and more specifically, do you feel I’m going down the wrong path?
This is a question I can’t answer. I don’t know whether you’re going down the right path or the wrong path, Ben. One size doesn’t fit all when it comes to youth sports or supporting our kin. Hopefully this post will spark some ideas. Your son is five years old, who is determining that he will likely play basketball, you or him?
For me, the ideal approach is to let our kids lead. When they get excited, we get excited with them. When they get sad, we express empathy if it’s appropriate, encouragement if that’s the ticket. Sometimes holding them accountable is absolutely necessary. Even a nudge is useful from time to time.
The most important step we can take is to challenge what’s leading our parental behavior. Old guilt, resentment, anger and fear don’t allow for our best leadership to emerge. To counter this, we must observe ourselves closely. Abandon the search for the perfect words or actions; rather, examine the impetus behind whatever you do.
From a random lyrical breakdown to this? Phew.
Kap
Shawn says
Powerful and thought provoking post Kap! This is why I keep coming back! Thanks!!
Gabe Kapler says
Appreciate you, Shawn.
Alex Beer says
Kap,
As a high school baseball coach, I encounter these situations all of the time. I consistently stress the same message to my players. If at any time it starts to feel like a job or not enjoyable, it’s time to reassess whether or not it is something the kid wants to pursue. Many times, the kids feel like they don’t have a say in the matter. Sometimes my players get hurt and it’s almost a relief to them. It’s a sad state of affairs, but I’m not sure what the solution is. Also, it’s not just the fathers either. Thanks for the great insight. Sounds like you are raising your kids the right way. I’ll keep trying on my end and maybe we can make a difference!
Gabe Kapler says
Really appreciate that you shared your experience, Alex. The conversation alone is a step in the right direction.
Be well,
Kap
PT says
Kap, Your comment about letting your kids lead is spot on in my opinion. I am blessed with two healthy boys ages 9 and 11. They play everything from hockey to baseball to lacrosse. Having coached youth hockey for years I have seen shy kids gain confidence, make friends, and succeed in ways they never thought possible. I have also seen great kids burnout, become injured, and develop anxiety from the pressure put on at home. Quite heartbreaking actually.
As parents I feel it is our obligation to “check” ourselves as to the motivation behind our decisions. Our job is to raise great (not perfect) kids and not professional athletes. For 99.9% of us, athletics is a tool, one of many, that can teach, challenge, and expose kids to many of life’s challenges and successes.
Expose them to sports, discuss making healthy choices, support them, love them no matter what, but when it comes to their youth sports “career” we as parents need to get out of the way and let them find their own way. I think the kids will be much happier, and isn’t that a good thing?
Alex Beer says
Right on PT. Please continue to coach. We need people like you in the arena.
Gabe Kapler says
Believe that. A happy kid = happy parents and vice versa.
Gavin says
I love your site’s dedication to the dissection of all sides of an issue. The case you made here gets my “amen”. “One size fits all” fits almost nothing in life. But giving a child lots of room to figure themselves out sounds sensible to me. Besides, if you want them to really love something and build their confidence, it might need to come primarily from their own doing.
Lastly, you can use creating a stock portfolio as an analogy. No expert would ever tell you to put a large share of your assets in one stock. Could hit big-time. But much higher risk of tanking your future. In all other aspects of raising children, we are unwavering about reducing risk they will face in the future. I have to remind myself constantly that I have to let my kids make their own mistakes and create their own successes. The thoughts exchanged on this blog are becoming solid nutrition in my conviction in such causes! We’re all closer to our own answers just by asking the questions.
Gabe Kapler says
Like the stock analogy, Gavin. But it’s not the parents risking their own dough in this case. Playing with the capital of a family member….hmmm. Anyhow, let’s let them determine their appetite for risk. I get your aim, no matter what. Nice job, brother.
Jeff B. says
“Let the Kid Lead” …Love it!
Gabe Kapler says
Thank you, Jeff.
Stu says
Kap, Love this post. One of the major “take-aways” I had from this post were the number of times Ben referred to himself in his comments. We are all selfish to a certain extent. However, Ben’s comments lead me to believe he is projecting a lot of his own wants and desires onto his son. One could argue that his son will experience an even greater amount of stress due to these projections. Hopefully Ben is surrounded by people who love him and his son and that are willing to talk to him about his concerns. This could be a difficult road to go down…especially on your own. We all need support at times..and the occasional reality check. Thanks again to you and Ben for sharing. All the best to Ben and his son, would love to hear about how things progress.
Pete Grossman says
A corollary to this: it might actually be counterproductive to have a young person specialize earlier rather than later. From a Washington Post article found here:
“Early specialization does not seem to increase an athlete’s chance of turning pro. Moesch and her colleagues compared 148 elite and 95 near-elite Danish athletes from sports such as cycling and track and field and found that the near-elites had amassed more training hours in their favored sport up to age 15. By age 18, the total hours accumulated by both groups had evened out, suggesting that athletes who start specializing in their late teens can still catch up to their peers who got an earlier start. The study also found that elite athletes in cycling, running and swimming tended to specialize at a later age and to participate in their first national and international competitions at an older age compared with near-elites.”
Reece says
I’d like to share the story of the unintentional “experiment” that played out as my two boys, now age 14 and 16, navigated youth sports from age 6 up to now. My oldest son is a gifted athlete with natural speed and strength. As a young child he excelled at and enjoyed soccer, basketball and baseball. My younger son is not as naturally gifted as his brother but has great hand-eye coordination and strength. Both boys played whatever sport was in season when they were young. When my older son was 13, he was asked to commit 100% to his soccer club as a player on the “pre-Academy” team- a US-soccer sanctioned program that aims to develop players for the national team and, at a minimum, prepare players for a college soccer career. My son was all-in on this and wanted to give up all other sports to pursue this dream, however unrealistic it might have been. We allowed him to do it, frankly against our better judgement, because he was so excited about it and showed promise as a soccer player. He left baseball and basketball completely after his 12 year old year. Meanwhile my younger son continued to play whatever sport was in season in the local rec leagues. He was never the best player but held his own, especially in the sport he loved most, baseball.
After two years of pre-Academy soccer including heavy travel, questionable club management and coachiing, and little team commaraderie (his team of 14 players went to 14 different schools and did not know each other outside soccer), my older son decided to quit club soccer altogether. He said he did not want to play college soccer and since that is the reason kids on his team are playing, he wanted to quit. There was no fun left in the sport. He struggled to find meaning during his freshman year of high school as the identity he had developed as a soccer player was no longer who he wanted to be. Also, he had spent so much time with the regional soccer team that his neighborhood friendships had faded somewhat. He has since worked through all this but academy soccer was an unfortunate chapter in his young life as we look back on it.
Meanwhile, my younger son gravitated to baseball but continued to play whatever sport was in season with neighborhood friends. He has made local all-star teams in baseball and has played on some rec-based challenge teams that play a few trounaments each season. He loves baseball,and the friendships and experiences he has gotten from these neighborhood teams will last him a lifetime. Last year, a Showcase coach asked if my son and three of his friends would jump ship from the local team, pay thousands of dollars and play for his regional team, promising scouts and college scholarship opportunities, etc. Needless to say, I was not fooled a second time. None of the players went, and the Showcase coach’s response was along the lines of: “sorry your sons wont achieve their potential.” My son’s baseball team this year is made up of the same boys he grew up playing with in the local rec league and they all played middle school together last year. He still lives for baseball because it is fun, not because he thinks he is going to play professionally.
Now I am not saying all academy soccer and showcase baseball is bad. I just think 13 is too young to start focusing on whether a kid will develop into a college, pro or national team prospect. Putting these kids into a situation that takes the fun out of the sport and makes it all about the “next level” is the problem. It starts to feel like a job. Lots of kids end up enduring it and never get out, even if it is no fun. They do it for their parents or because they think they have a chance to play in college or pros. I am happy my older son made the decision when he did to get out. He’s now a dedicated Crossft athlete (of all things) but he has no illusions that he will get a schoarship from it! And I am also happy that my younger son contuinues to love playing baseball locally.
Be careful and protect your children from programs and coaches who talk about scholarships and profesional opportunities when kids are 13-14 or younger.
Ben says
Thanks for the kind words and insight-fullness Gabe. You have some very genuine and informed readers. I appreciate their responses too. My father is a good man but he did leave my mom and I was raised by my brothers, pretty much. Society has changed. When I was younger, much like Gabe, I would throw tennis balls against the carport wall and play wiffleball, smear the que*r in football, basketball, ride bikes as well as just walk down the street and knock on a friend’s door to play. Here is the problem. People look at you like you are a weirdo if you stop by someone’s house to let your kids play today. You need to call a couple of days in advance and submit a background check. It’s just so impersonal today. So he and I play a lot.
As I mentioned in my response to Gabe last week. I had a coach teach me to throw a curveball too young. He threw me way too many innings as well. Information was out about overuse and such but how was I to know, I just wanted to compete. There lies a problem in as a parent you can’t go off what your child tells you necessarily. My injury started off as tendinitis and by the time I was a sophomore in college, I needed major reconstructive on my elbow. I don’t want that to happen to my boy.
My son, Brett, was too young to play for the rec club he was supposed to this past year so I found an inner city team that would. Brett said he wanted to have teammates and was ecstatic at the idea. A lady with no baseball experience was the head coach. After hearing her instruct the kids for about 10 minutes I asked her if I could help her. She asked if I would show a child where to stand to play “center.” So I led the child to CF. She yelled “No!! Center!!” and point to the pitching rubber. I said “oh, okay.” She later had me stand the 2B on top of second base and yelled at me for trying to move the child off of second base as I was unaware that 2B plays on the bag. I said all of that to say this….I don’t want my son to be given incorrect instruction and risk injury the way that I was. I read all of the new information that comes out about sport specific injuries and the risk of playing one sport year round. Brett will never be allowed to do that. That’s my call. It’s also common sense.
Stu brought out a good point about my post seeming to be a lot about me. He’s right! This is about me. I want to make sure that I am doing what’s best for Brett. I want to make sure he is safe and put in good situations. In doing so, I have at times felt like “that dad” that Longoria mentioned. I feel that a lot of this will work itself out as Brett gets older and has more friends that he can play with. I just want to be the best dad I can be for him without micro-managing everything he does out of concern the wrong coach gets hold of him. If Brett wants to play the tuba in the high school band, I’m going to love him just as much as I do now. There is a happy median there somewhere and I hope to find it. I would like everyone to know that I appreciate their comments, especially Gabe.
Ben