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Sticker Shock

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It’s not paranoid if they’re really out to get you. In this case, I have proof: apple stickers.

I’m stoked. I’m about to take my pit bull on a stroll through my Malibu neighborhood before weaving down by the beach. He usually does his business behind a bush but I grab a bag just in case; I’m a conscientious neighbor. I wrap his leash around my neck; there’s no need to strap it on him until we are out in the world. He’s well behaved and wouldn’t harm a rabbit (perhaps that’s a bad example now that he munches on rabbits regularly).

Before stepping out, I remember how much I appreciate a snack on my jaunts through the ‘Bu. I’m sure there is a gorgeous pink lady available to accompany me. The fridge pops open, and there she is in all her perfectly symmetrical, multicolored beauty. Sweet and dense, just how I dig ‘em. I scoop her up and we’re off.

This day couldn’t get any better. I’m fairly confident that the bright yellow bird perched on the branch of the Quercus agrifolia (coast live oak tree) is looking directly into my eyes while crooning Lynard Skynard’s “Simple Man.” Flashing a flirty smile back, I pick up my pace as my confident companion (the dog, not the pink lady) hits his stride.

A half mile in, my stomach begins to rumble (you knew this was coming). My date has been wonderful, but it’s time for her to go down. Crisp, tart, angelic…Mozart plays in my head as the flavors explode. Pure bliss. Foos’ steps are in perfect rhythm with mine. I go in for my second bite.

Scratch. Needle. Record. Sticker.

WTF. Now my flow is ruined. I look for a trashcan to rid myself of the evil energy of the label. It has no business infiltrating my space.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. -Eleanor Roosevelt

That’s bullshit, Eleanor. I feel inferior to the version of myself from five minutes ago, and I gave my blessing to no one.

Just for you, my dear readers, I sat in the lotus position and chanted for 30 minutes. Meditating on the mysteries of the universe is all well and good, but I’m trying to figure out why every individual apple must have a sticker. I have the answer, which I will now share with you.

Folks are evil. They’re fulfilled by my frustration. They laugh at my anguish.

Okay, we’ll be serious for a moment. To find the real reason, I partook in some research. From hlntv.com:

Stickers on conventionally grown produce have four digit numbers. Organic produce labels have five digit numbers and they always start with a “9”. Genetically modified produce labels also have five digits, but they always start with “8”.

Arggghhhh. I’m angrier now than when I thought it was a conspiracy. Labeling the grocery store shelves is plenty; I don’t need the reminder when taking a bite. Speaking of which, I’ve inadvertently eaten a sticker or two. Who can I sue?

Fruit stickers are edible! Should you peel them off? Yes. But, if you happen to eat one or two it’s not a big deal. They’re actually made out of “edible paper” or other food grade materials with that possibility in mind! Even the glue is food grade. The FDA says so.

Ooohhh, okay. If the FDA says so.

I feel better now. That’s what friends are for. Thanks for listening.

Kap

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  • Johnny Appleseed

    While I agree on the fact that the stickers must go, the bigger issue ruining your apple is that you keep it in the fridge!

    • Terri Torrez

      I see the value of the sticker on checkout. But I totally agree on the fridge. Fruit goes in a fruit basket. I keep berries in the fridge but that’s about it.

    • Gabe Kapler

      Thank goodness I have Johnny and Terri to tell me how I like my fruit (friendly wink). I dig apples cool from the fridge, directly off the tree, in a basket, frozen, on a grill and caramelized. Boo-ya. Have a great day, you two.

      • http://twitter.com/sstamour Stephanie St Amour (@sstamour)

        Now there’s an idea. I wonder what happens if you put apples on the Big Green Egg…

      • Christine Hart

        Did you know that you should store apples by themselves? They give off a certain apple-gas (would have to research for name) that quickens the ripening, thus the spoiling, of other fruits when stored together. It may lessen if kept in the fridge, though. :) have a great day!!

        • Gabe Kapler

          Christine Hart, dropping knowledge. I’m paying attention.

          Kap

        • Ed H

          The saying “one bad apple spoils the bunch” is derived from that process. A spoiled apple gives off more of gas causing the whole bunch to spoil too.

  • Dina

    Those numbers also line up with the grocery POS system, so when you bring your bag of pink ladies to the checkout, they don’t charge you for macintosh or braeburns. The cashier just types in the number on the label and boom: the correct produce pops up.

    • Gabe Kapler

      Thanks for sharing knowledge, Dina. Hope to hear from you again soon.

  • http://twitter.com/__fc fc (@__fc)

    You’re such a good writer, I was with you the whole way on your walk. “Scratch. Needle. Record.” is so perfectly evocative that I heard it as I read.

    • mtkr

      I knew I recognized that handshake icon ;-)

    • Gabe Kapler

      Thanks, FC. Makes me proud. Loved writing this one.

  • Amy

    Do NOT eat the stickers!! I once heard of a little boy who was so sick because he ate so many of the stickers; they didn’t, um, exit. P.S. I find the stickers come off easier and don’t ruin the peel if you take them off before washing the apple….

    • Gabe Kapler

      Damn. I was about to begin collecting them to have them as one, big blowout meal in a bowl. Thanks. You saved my life. My hero.

      Note to Amy: I’m totally kidding. I loved hearing from you. I’m just feeling playful and teasing.

      Kap

      • Amy G

        My nutritional soulmate……. Keep spreading the gospel!

    • Paul

      Yes, I remember a story earlier this year on a Boston TV station about a boy
      who became sick,and they couldn’t figure out why. Then they discovered he
      had eaten a sticker on some fruit.

      But if you do a Google search, there are several stories/reports that
      claim what Gabe had written: They are edible, the adhesive used is safe,
      what the numbers mean, etc.

      Recently Stop & Shop changed the software on their self-checkout
      registers. Instead of the more popular items on a list,it is easier to either
      memorize or enter the # on the produce to make sure you’re paying the
      right price for the exact item you want.

  • http://gravatar.com/stanmickus stanmickus

    Same thing with peppers. Sometimes I don’t notice it until I’ve chopped and put it in our salads! PIsses me right off. I’ve recently found a grocer who wraps the organic peppers in packages of two sans stickers. The apples, not so lucky. Feel the pain Kap!

    • Gabe Kapler

      Thank you, Stan. Nice to know I’m not the only suffering sticker hater.

  • Duane

    Kap you had me laughing my A$$ off. I could see you getting upset and mad. Lucky us that you have a place to vent because it keeps us laughing and educated. Chant it out my brotha, chant it out!!!
    Keep the posts coming and the stress down.

    • Gabe Kapler

      Stress. Down. Word.

  • http://www.Kelebekfusion.com kbeyazdancer

    Sweetheart-you started off all romantic and jolly and then WAM!!! Disgust and anger set in, That was pretty clever how you did that. I had a really good laugh during my lunch.
    Remember to breathe and let it go baby! It’ll be ok :). We’re here for you.
    -Kelebek

  • Gabe Kapler

    Have a great week, Kelebek.

  • http://twitter.com/AvengingJM AJM

    The stickers never come off easy and the skin always takes a ding. More chanting. More. Chanting.

    Dig the new site design, Kap. Looks sharp.

  • Paula

    Recently someone patented a sticker that dissolves upon washing the fruit… can’t get to the shelves fast enough!

  • Chris

    FDA and “safe” in the same sentence is an oxymoron.

  • Kyle G.

    I got my first official job (i.e. not mowing lawns or babysitting) at a grocery store this summer while off from school. I primarily work in produce and practically all produce items have stickers so that the cashiers at the register can plug in the number code.

  • http://gravatar.com/ohyah76 ohyah76

    Really Kyle G?! I never knew that. :-p

    I always take the sticker off when I wash was my fruit. Gabe, don’t you wash those goodies before partaking? YIKES.

  • Karl

    Kap, your losing your mind. Its a sticker dude. But I will agree that was a good looking apple and Pink Ladies are the best. Keep the good vibes and knowledge coming.

  • TB

    Just started reading ur site about a month ago and I’m definitely digging it kap. Don’t know if it was intentional, but the line “My date has been wonderful, but it’s time for her to go down” had me rolling. Love the knowledge/humor combo you bring every day my man.

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