Humans are fundamentally social animals. The ability to communicate is one of our most important skills. Our ability to express ourselves defines and shapes us. It leads to feeling understood which is essential for our mental wellbeing.
To date, Kaplifestyle has been running for more than 8 months. I have shared daily to the tune of more than 250 posts. We have covered a myriad of topics, but one thing remains consistent: I am always honest with you. Whenever we present ourselves to the world like I have, it is a risk. Exposure is uncomfortable. I know, however, that the only way to effectively deliver my message is to be as authentic as I can.
To that end, I sometimes bring conversations before you that I think will resonate with a larger audience. About a month ago, I told you the story of a friend, “Flash,” and shared his struggles so that we could all extrapolate the information most valuable to us. This was one of the darkest posts I’ve penned, and contained a serious message. Flash was questioning his current state in life.
I still think about what I did to “Grace” and wonder if I even deserve another good shot at love and success in my sport? Truthfully, this year in many ways has been a really sad one for me.
I shared the background; Flash had been unfaithful to Grace and was mired in guilt and grief. Later, I learned (via a mutual friend) that a pro baseball player felt I had handled this issue too lightly.
Quite frankly, Flash is a young man. His desire to sleep with more than one woman is not shocking, or, at least, it shouldn’t be. His inability to articulate this to his belle at the time was the ultimate issue, not any acts in particular. Lest you think I’m going to turn this post into my philosophy on monogamy, I will not. I’ll save that one for later this week (kidding; it might take me two).
My first reaction was common – frankly, I was annoyed. I didn’t feel that I had trivialized anything, and a moment of levity in an otherwise heavy post seemed appropriate. This was nothing more than a defensive reaction though. Communication is a two way street; I can deliver the message, but I need to make sure my audience receives it as well. Criticism presents a golden opportunity to re-evaluate and grow. The most effective communicators are those who speak the language of their listeners.
In this specific incident, I provided the background to the story because it was necessary for comprehension. Far from being salacious gossip, the past history was needed so that everyone could learn and grow with Flash. His actions were an integral part of his current situation, and it would be inappropriate for me to not acknowledge them.
My story and Flash’s actions are but two examples of a larger truth. In order to form any meaningful relationship, all the parties need to be on the same page. Perhaps had I spoken the language of that particular reader, he would have received a more substantive takeaway. Had I been in a one on one conversation with him, I would have had the opportunity to read countenance and try a different approach. If Flash communicated his desire for a non-monogamous relationship with Grace, no one would have felt betrayed by a lack of honesty.
It is important to remember that each person brings their own life experiences and lessons to any conversation. We cannot control the way another person will react to us. By being open to criticism and continually evaluating ourselves, we can feel confident that we have controlled everything within our capability. Will I fail in my attempt to communicate at times? Absolutely, we all do. I preach trial and error on this blog for a reason.
Being honest communicators requires bravery. It can be a monstrous, breath stealing challenge. It is also immeasurably empowering. I may be trying to teach on this blog, but I learn from every single person that takes the time to offer feedback. I share with you openly and honestly, then give you the opportunity and complete freedom to make your own decisions about what I lay before you.
As always, I’m here. Fire away.
Kap
Michelle says
I don’t think you trivialized anything…bringing levity to any situation is up to the individual, just like it is up to the individual how they react.
This is the only blog I read for a reason. Thanks for always being you.
Gabe Kapler says
Appreciate this comment, Michelle. Thanks.
Chester says
Gabe, no need to carry around portable guilt in your pocket — I understood your prior post. I think you clearly stated Flash’s dilemma. This dilemma is not unique to pro baseball players but does affect many men and women from all walks; although it is possibly more prevalent in pro-ballers due to travel and female fans’ adulation, and all that would entail.
Look, you do your best to communicate but being a good listener is also important. People have distractions, their own static blocking their own focus; there is not always a connection. I am not the best at communicating; I have a devout witness who would testify to this fact were not the husband-wife privilege a mainstay in American law.
Kap you will be able to perceive by viewing the replies whether or not you connected with readers on that day, on any given day. Our duty as readers is to acknowledge that the connection between writer and reader will not always be there. Cannot speak for others, but my expectations are not that high. This is not an insult pointed at you — but just a reality when I am working and give your thoughts a quick read, for some days I am too distracted to read a blog or give it full attention. So advice to you is: some days, leave that portable guilt on your nightstand or bathroom counter. Later.
Gabe Kapler says
Some pretty unique feedback, Chester. Always up for a different viewpoint. Peace, brother.
kbeyazdancer says
Again-I will repeat myself love-thank you for keeping it 100 with us. You have shared so much with us and I am sure I am not alone when I say I truly appreciate it. I read the comments of others whether even if I don’t have time to post one of my own and I think you’ve handled the compliments and criticisms very well. The key to that is communication.
I also did not think you trivialized what happened between “flash” and his ex. You gave us the necessary background so that we could judge for ourselves but also realize that mistakes are made and we grow from that.
Keep doing what you do baby
-Kelebek
Gabe Kapler says
Thanks for the continual, positive support.
Matthew D. says
Thanks for your honesty. That’s why I like this blog. It isn’t an exercise blog, it is a LIFESTYLE Blog.
kbeyazdancer says
Amen!
Gabe Kapler says
Dig.
Gavin says
If you only wrote things upon which there is common agreement, why write at all? No two perspectives are exactly alike. Think about how many millions of bits of unique data every individual brain absorbs over a lifetime. That distinctive combination along with genetics, completely defines us – today. Real communication allows perspectives to broaden and find common ground tomorrow. Feeding our perspective allows observation of our environment through an ever-widening lense. Some people don’t want to see outside their gated community. That’s their perspective – today. I’m out to see the world. Always appreciate you feeding the mental muscle, Kap.
Gabe Kapler says
Love the gated community play, Gavin. Nice work.
billstraehl says
I believe the more input I get, regardless of how I feel about it, the more capable I will be to make informed decisions about my own life. Others often have perspectives that had not occurred to me. In the end, it’s always up to me to digest it all, to make and take responsibility for my own actions. Keep it coming.
Gabe Kapler says
You got it, brother.
Ed H says
Remember this: No good deed goes unpunished. You have two choices: shrivel up and lick your bruises; or continue doing good deeds despite the occasional whiplash. Are you looking to yourself for validation or someone else? (sooo rhetorical on that question as you have clearly pointed your position time and time again).
I have been there. My wife gets mad when my good deeds get punished because “I should have learned by now.” What she doesn’t realize is I have learned by now and have accepted the consequences.
Be good and do good. I’ll join you to both suffer and smile.
Gabe Kapler says
Sounds both fair and reasonable.
Duane says
Kap I feel you handled it great and not everyone will agree which is okay because we all have our own opinion. The fact that you are open and speak your mind will get you critic’s that will do the same. I know I’m not the best at communicating but I truly appreciate you giving us a place to work on it! Thank you for all you do.
Gabe Kapler says
“I know I’m not the best at communicating but I truly appreciate you giving us a place to work on it!”
My favorite comment from you yet, Duane.
darby wright says
Not everyone is happy when your honest.whether its at the work place or your personal life. I wish as a society we were more honest about things. Keep up the good work G.k
Gabe Kapler says
My man.
~Al~ says
Speaking from my experiences:
Certain people are going to hate you no matter what you do. Karma has a way of giving everyone what they deserve, one way or another.
If you can count your true friends on one hand, consider yourself blessed.
You will never make anybody happy if you are not happy with yourself.
It’s difficult to put your thoughts into words without sounding like a cliche machine.
Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Tomorrow isn’t promised today.
Misery loves company.
Take the time to listen to the old timers. They usually have so many stories of how they would have done things differently in life, but are no longer able to do them. If somebody wrote a book about you, would anybody want to read it?
Lying to cover up something you did wrong is always worse than what you actually did wrong. Seriously…I have a hard enough time remembering what actually happened, let alone being able to keep fairly tales believable!
No matter how perfect you think you are, or how perfect you think somebody is…nobody is all that. We all fight demons of some sorts. Not letting them destroy you means you are winning the battle.
“Life is too short so love the one you got, ‘cuz you might get run over or you might get shot.” Sublime
Why tiptoe life just to arrive safely at death?
That’s all I got for now, thanks for the vine, Kap!
~Al~
Gabe Kapler says
Always here for your riffing pleasure. Do your thing.
Laura says
and that’s why I LOVE reading your blog. If I can grab just ONE new morsel of knowledge everyday of my life than everything you post rolls around in my brain and until something “clicks”. THANKS KAP!