If you eat candy regularly, you may live longer than me. Welcome to today’s strange rendition of Sweet Thursday.

I’m taking this opportunity to focus on some peculiar studies. It’s a good reminder that you can make anything sound good in a vacuum. These studies don’t sit well with me or make much sense, so with tongue firmly in cheek, let’s get to it. From psychologytoday.com:

People who regularly eat candy live longer than those who don’t. A multi-decade study from the Harvard School of Public Health showed that modest candy consumption (one to three times a month) is associated with the greatest benefit, but even those with a daily habit lived longer than those who never indulged. This benefit could not be explained by other factors such as age, smoking, exercise, alcohol consumption, or weight.

Bitchin’. Throwing away the bell peppers, breaking out the sweet-tarts now.

In fact, let me pick up a six pack of coke while I’m at 7-11, too. Researchers have found Coca-Cola to be an effective first line of treatment for some stomach blockages. From livescience.com:

Researchers reviewed studies on the unconventional treatment that have been published over the past 10 years. In total, they looked at 24 papers covering 46 cases of patients with gastric phytobezoars, which are hard masses made up of indigestible parts of fruits and vegetables, like cellulose. These build-ups can cause pain and they tend to develop in people who have trouble moving food through their digestive tract, either because of a previous gastric surgery or some other condition.

Now that I have breakfast squared away and my digestion is on point, I can prep for lunch. But before I dive into my grilled halibut and veggies, let me dig into these chocolate chip cookies. After all, it’s better for my teeth. From Time magazine:

The youngster who wants to start his supper with ice cream and cookies, and leave the meat and potatoes until last, usually accomplishes nothing except upset his mother’s appetite. But the kid is right and his mother is wrong, says Dental Surgeon Howard R. Raper of Albuquerque. Sweets eaten at the beginning of the meal leave little sugar in the mouth, because later courses scour it away. And sugar remaining in mouth crevices promotes tooth decay.

I can see it now. Kaplifestyle.com promotes the three Cs. Candy, cookies and Coke.

Seriously, all this junk food ingestion has me feeling dirty, and I think I need a shower. Washing isn’t going to cut it, I need to exfoliate. I’ll need something coarse. Hmmmm. From Huffington Post:

Finally, sugar’s small particles make an excellent topical exfoliant, and are used in a number of body scrubs to exfoliate dead surface skin cells and reveal the glowing, healthy-looking skin underneath. Sugar scrubs also have a few benefits over salt scrubs. For one, small sugar granules are generally gentler than salt, which can cause microscopic tears in the skin; two, because of sugar’s natural humectants properties, these scrubs are more hydrating than salt scrubs, which can strip skin of natural oils.

All this time I’ve been trumpeting “fat doesn’t make you fat, sugar makes you fat.”

While I may have nailed it with my hypothesis in general, there are some uses of sugar worthy of consideration (conceptually, at least.) I’ll be over here, giggling, if you need me.

Kap