If it’s your last meal, forget about health and well-being. For all the other times, maintain your nutritional goals by finding a healthier substitute.

If you were a fly on the wall last night on the Fox Sports Live set, you would have witnessed me tackle the following question from anchors, Ryan Field and Cole Wright.

“Kap, if you were in prison on death row, what would you eat as your last meal?”

I didn’t have to hesitate. “Ry, I’d eat pizza covered in sausage and pineapple.”

Maybe it was just my mood. It was late. I was hungry and wiped out from a long day, so much so that I f’d up Alex Gordon’s name in a segment on the Royals. I called him Zach (thanks, Ry). Regardless of the impetus for my pizza answer, since then, I’ve been craving a rich and cheesy deep dish pie. I haven’t planned an indulgence, so I’m not going to run out to my favorite pizza joint and get silly. I’m going to find a healthy substitute to curb my desire.

My first step is to identify what ingredients I deem unhealthy in a traditional pie and how to replace them. Let’s begin with Oxford’s definition. Pizza is:

A dish of Italian origin consisting of a flat, round base of dough baked with a topping of tomato sauce and cheese, typically with added meat or vegetables.

Excellent. Other than the dough, I consider the other ingredients to be healthy if sourced intelligently. Flour is no big deal as part of a reward, but because it’s generally heavily processed, it falls into my indulgences category, not my staples section.

I’m all for ingenuity, but I’m not going to pull the wool over my own eyes here. Bread is tough to replace. It’s flat (see?) out delectable. However, I’m taking it off the table for my homemade joint. Luckily, I love the flavor and texture of Portobello mushrooms and have been hearing great things about their prowess as the foundation for pizza.

I needed a base recipe and found one online from the Food Network:

Ingredients

6 large Portobello mushroom tops, stems removed and gills scraped

Extra-virgin olive oil, for liberal drizzling plus 1 tablespoon

Salt and freshly ground black pepper

1 pound Italian sweet sausage

1/2 pint grape tomatoes

1/2 cup cream

1/2 cup basil leaves, shredded or torn

1/2 cup shredded Parmigianino

Perfect. I’m pleased with every ingredient on this list. You’re already wincing about the high fat content of the cream, right? Don’t stress. You’ve been following the blog and might remember this from fitness author Mark Sisson:

When consuming animal products you get healthy animal fat. You get protein, important for building muscles and keeping you full…You get all the micronutrients, vitamins, and minerals that the animal ate, in a form that your body can absorb. It’s the perfect package of nutrition for a fat burner.

Excellent. That covers the Parm, cream and sausage.

We’ve recently mused on the immune system stimulating powers of mushrooms. Basil qualifies as an anti-inflammatory food based on the enzyme-inhibiting effect of the eugenol present in the herb. Tomatoes have numerous health benefits, but they might be most appreciated for their support of bone health. From whfoods.com:

Tomatoes are widely known for their outstanding antioxidant content, including, of course, their oftentimes-rich concentration of lycopene. Researchers have recently found an important connection between lycopene, its antioxidant properties, and bone health.

I’m okay with the ingredients, but this won’t be a low calorie dish. If that’s your speed, or your goal is to shed pounds, I suggest making a single mushroom your meal rather than several. It won’t be a huge portion, but the richness and powerful flavors will undoubtedly be satisfying.

I’m also going to tweak the recipe a bit. I’ll start by substituting spicy Italian sausage for the recommended sweet, my personal preference. I’m also going to add jalapenos and counter their heat with sliced pineapple.

I’m not facing a firing squad as Ryan and Cole suggested. I feel like I have a decade or seven to go. To get closer to the latter, I search for dishes that meet my personal criteria for nutritionally sound decadence. When I find them, I vow to share them with you.

Kap

Here’s the original recipe:

Ingredients

6 large portobello mushroom tops, stems removed and gills scraped

Extra-virgin olive oil, for liberal drizzling plus 1 tablespoon

Salt and freshly ground black pepper

1 pound Italian sweet sausage

1/2 pint grape tomatoes

1/2 cup cream

1/2 cup basil leaves, shredded or torn

1/2 cup shredded Parmigiano

Directions

Preheat broiler.

Dress the mushroom caps with liberal drizzle of extra-virgin olive oil and season with salt and pepper. Broil the portobello mushrooms 5 minutes on each side until tender.

While caps are broiling heat 1 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil in a skillet over medium high heat, add sausage and brown and crumble the meat, then add tomatoes to skillet and cook another few minutes until they burst. Add cream to skillet and reduce 2 to 3 minutes more. Remove the sausage from heat and fold in basil. Fill mushroom caps and top with cheese, place under broiler to brown 2 to 3 minutes then quarter caps and serve.