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Small Talk

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I despise small talk, and I’m bad at it. “What’s up?” is a terrible way to start a conversation. It inevitably leads to something like, “Nothing much, how about you?”

Ultimately, we end up with an inefficient back and forth, learning nil before we (or if we) get to the good shit. By that time, boredom may douse the pilot light, ending the interaction before it ever really began.

Intellectual curiosity is a precursor to a healthy back and forth. The desire to soak up knowledge and, in turn, impart wisdom is what creates flow. When this dance gets severely out of balance, chats are unsatisfying at best and exhausting at worst. Ever been cornered at work (or anywhere) and had someone talk to you at work, sharing their experiences non-stop, without ever having the wherewithal to pause for feedback, let alone display any degree of inquisitiveness?

You can’t wait for the experience to end, and you’re wiped out, looking for a place to hide. You likely shut your brain off in the first few minutes. At best, you fight yourself to take mental notes just in case he/she pauses for a blow.

The other day, my close friend Nick sent me an excerpt from a book on Google’s corporate culture.

Nick was sharing leadership techniques, but the application I walked away with was of the personal relationship variety. Often, we seek the easiest possible conversation with friends and loved ones. Because the world has no shortage of conflict, this makes sense. Why wouldn’t we want harmonious interactions whenever possible?

I’m certainly not suggesting we seek out drama. Rather, pushing each other to dive beneath the surface inspires growth. Even if we just play devil’s advocate more frequently, our chats become more passionate. If channeled appropriately, that passion leads to creative thought, which begets a livelier brain.
Inspiring conversation involves delving into topics and seeking out opposing views. We can celebrate and learn from them while maintaining our original position should we desire. But making allowances for the strong opinions of others is…well…strong.

Strong mind,

Kap

  • EB

    I wonder if -what’s up?- will ever go out of vogue.??- I have never once said it and I never will. Patiently waiting..
    <3

    • gavin

      Oh sh…you’re not Ed. Sorry EB. I rescind the smart-ass greeting below.

  • gavin

    Hey Ed. What’s been happening? This is classic KL right here. Spot on. But also often tricky to pull off well in a lot of places for reasons Gabe mentions. Personally, I see a spot in the rotation for strategic small talk, definitely for witty banter. My energy level runs a few notches below Gabe’s. I get it though. Don’t give up trying people out.. Just one more thing before you walk off: Many of my most involved and meaningful conversations I’ve had recently have been with this homeless man I see pretty often in my neighborhood. Charles is straight-up, is as real as almost any person I know, and has lived behind this strip center for about 8 years. Most people will sneer at him when they see him, but those people wouldn’t last a day in his shoes. Yes, he has shoes and he’s grateful for them, along with his few other possessions. Think he’s interesting? Hell yea. And it occurred to me quickly why else I enjoy our discussions: Charles doesn’t talk about his car, his house, his job, his kids, his vacations, his stuff. No bullshit current events. He doesn’t check his phone every minute when we talk. We may talk weather, but that’s hardly small talk to him. Our stereotypes are so often wrong. Real wrong. I could write pages more on him and misconceptions. I guess the take-away there is step outside your comfort zone - often. You’ll leave the small talk and couples get togethers far behind. Okay, gotta, go. Want to hear more next time about that idea you’ve got though… Later!

    • http://kaplifestyle.com/ Stephanie St Amour

      Your comments are always inspired, Gavin.

  • Joe Madden

    Hey Gabe, what was the name of the book?

    Joe

  • BeesMakeHoney

    Kap -
    One thing that prevents me from commenting is that you so seldom carry on your discussions in the comments sections.

    I too enjoy and seek out debate and intellectual stimulation on a broad range of topics, but I cringe when I see comment responses from you like ” Thanks - stay strong”.

    Maybe you don’t find our comments meriting additional discussion? (and of course, not all do)

    Curious is all - no ill will intended.

    • Chris

      Good inquiry. Stay Strong….
      No ill will meant here either Bees, but isn’t the time and effort Kap puts into the daily blog enough? I look at the comment section as a place for us, the readers to engage each other. If Kap feels the need to chime in then that’s just an extra handful of blueberries.

      • BeesMakeHoney

        Maybe you are right Chris.

        The topics Kap and guest posters cover here are so wide ranging and insightful that I am always hoping for more in depth conversation.

        I can’t ever get enough blueberries.

    • Gabe Kapler

      BMH,

      Thanks. Stay Strong.

      Kap

      Kidding, kidding. Stay tuned. I’ll reply more thoughtfully in a post.

  • Davin

    Good post, Kap. I understand your opinion of small talk, but it can be useful to initally develop a connection with someone before leading to the ‘good shit’, especially if we it’s with someone we have no existing connection with. Sometimes the small talk never rises above the superficial level and we’re left with an empty-calorie conversation. But other times it takes the initial small talk to develop a connection you wouldn’t otherwise have made, and we can end up diving deeper and learning something or meeting someone interesting. Small talk is something I don’t particularly enjoy and am not terribly good at, but I try to improve as it leads to stretching my comfort zone in speaking to people I’m not familiar with. My thoughts.

    • Gabe Kapler

      Appreciate you weighing in, Davin.

    • http://kaplifestyle.com/ Stephanie St Amour

      I think there’s a good point here. Stepping out of your comfort zone is a powerful choice, and if small talk helps you to do that, I think there is value.

  • Lien Pham

    i am not good at small talk … ” pushing each other to dive beneath the surface inspires growth” yes, i love this kind of conversation :-)

    • Gabe Kapler

      Right on, Lien.